Tips, advice, and community resources for Skipping the Small Talk — Skip the Small Talk

Resources

We've curated tips, stories, and inspiration to help you Skip the Small Talk in your everyday life.

Another trick to make conflict suck less

Another trick to make conflict suck less

The tool I want to mainly discuss here is something I call: The “We’re On The Same Team” sandwich (AKA the WOST Sandwich). It’s a technique designed to help both parties think in a more collaborative mindset instead of a competitive mindset, which is much likelier to yield higher quality solutions as well as just being more pleasant and connecting overall. The other thing I like about it is that it helps you still get your point across while giving you as good a chance as possible of feeling heard by the other person.

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How to live with uncertainty

How to live with uncertainty

Life can feel so much safer and more comfortable when we’re living in black and white, so our brains tend to cope with uncertain situations by thinking in more black and white terms.

But unfortunately, living in black and white often robs us of the ability to see our reality accurately. And seeing our reality as we wish it were as opposed to how it actually is often leads us to behave in ways that aren’t likely to get us the things we really want, like safety, security, and connection.

So how can we shift our thinking to become more comfortable living in the gray space? I’ve come up with some specific tips.

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One simple trick to make conflict suck less

One simple trick to make conflict suck less

With any relationship that engenders enough vulnerability and closeness, conflict is usually bound to come up. So one of the best approaches, I’ve found, is to be prepared for it and have a plan for how to handle it when conflict arises.

There’s already tons of literature about how to fight well, but I’ve found one trick that you might not be familiar with.

I call it the “emotional right-of-way.”

Ashley KirsnerMay 13, 2021metaconversation, metaconversations, emotional management, emotion management, conflict, how to make conflict suck less, how make conflict feel less bad, how to fix conflict, one way to make conflict suck less, emotional right-of-way, right-of-way, blog, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, Skip the Small Talk blogpost, feelings, emotions, who should talk first, who should go first, fight, fighting, fight better, better fights, four horsement, four horsemen, four horsemen of the apocalypse, 4 horsemen, 4 horsemen of the apocalypse, how to make up, conflict with boyfriend, conflict with girlfriend, conflict with family, close relationships, close relationship, conflict resolution, resolve conflict Comments

Why your leadership isn't inclusive

Why your leadership isn't inclusive

I used to think my events were inclusive.

Whenever more than one person had an item of critical feedback for the event, I would do something to change it. I thought that was enough.

It took a long time for me to realize, but I was leaving a LOT of people in the lurch.

Because here’s the problem: the people who are the most systematically oppressed and who are therefore least likely to get their needs met, are often also the least vocal about their concerns.

Watch Ashley Kirsner on SideHustle Live!

Watch Ashley Kirsner on SideHustle Live!

It’s hard for anyone to be vulnerable, but since I’m someone with a relatively large amount of privilege (for example, if I’m vulnerable and everybody ends up hating me for it, I’ll still be able to pay rent), I find it meaningful to normalize doing things imperfectly, and doing those things publicly and proudly.

So, here I am being totally silly and having the time of my life playing this ridiculous game called SideHustle with its creators. It was silly, it was “messy,” and it was absolutely hilarious.

How NOT to support a friend

How NOT to support a friend

In light of my last blog post about how to support others, I wanted to also share one of the most common pitfalls that I often notice when people try to offer support to others. It’s a mistake that’s usually well-meaning, but its impact can add to the burden of the people you’re trying to support: taking the side of someone who’s not there.

How to support a friend

How to support a friend

Every so often, I’ll see some content floating around the internet encouraging people to ask their friends and loved ones how they’d like to be supported.

I think that’s a great conversation to have, but in practice, it’s often best to have that conversation **before** anybody actually needs support. If your friend is crying on your couch, that’s often NOT the time to ask them how they prefer to be supported; people who are actively in pain often are not in a state to do the mental work required to educate others on how to best support them.

So, how are you supposed to know what to do when your friend IS crying on your couch? I’ve gathered some tips here based primarily on my suicide hotline training.

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How to reduce workplace loneliness

How to reduce workplace loneliness

Loneliness in general is rampant; studies conducted before the pandemic suggest that three out of five Americans are lonely, and a dearth of meaningful workplace relationships are a huge contributor to that. I’d imagine that given the spike of social isolation during the pandemic, those numbers are even worse now.

And in terms of the impact of loneliness on the workplace specifically, according to recent research, only 20% of employees “strongly agree” that they have a best friend at work. But if that percentage could budge to just 60%, companies would yield 12% higher profit, end up with 36% fewer safety incidents, and gain 7% more engaged customers.

So, if you’re in a position to influence the culture of your workplace, what can you do to create a culture of social connection at work?

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How to set a boundary

How to set a boundary

It may feel clumsy to set your first bunch of boundaries if you’re not used to it, but practice absolutely makes… well, not perfect, but definitely a lot easier and a lot less stressful! So if your first few (or fifty) boundaries feel difficult to deliver, don’t worry-- you’re in good company, and it gets a lot better the more you do it.

Below is a template you can use to set any boundary with anyone. This isn’t the only way to set a boundary, of course, but it can be a helpful place to start.

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How to *really* help after a communal tragedy

How to *really* help after a communal tragedy

After national tragedies, we often see an outpouring of support in the forms of donations and volunteer efforts.

And that’s a beautiful thing; humans empathize, feel the pain of others, and want to do whatever they can to alleviate that pain.

The potential problem with that is that often, while the underlying problems that cause these national tragedies are ongoing, the efforts to address them end up being short-lasting.

So how can we use the momentum we feel today to create long-lasting action that doesn’t burn us out? Here are some tips

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The surprising secret to productivity

The surprising secret to productivity

If you’re American, chances are that you’re bad at resting.

It’s not your fault; it’s deeply engrained in American culture that we need to “earn” our rests.

But we have it backwards.

We can’t expect to be productive in order to earn our rests; we actually NEED rest FIRST in order to be productive.

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It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately

It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately

If you’ve started feeling odd as we come up upon the one-year-anniversary since a lot of us started quarantining, it’s not just you. You might just be experiencing just one or a few of these things, but some things you may notice are:

Sleep problems
Strange or unpleasant dreams
Irritability
A feeling of restlessness
Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety without a clear cause
Flare ups of chronic health issues

Does any of that sound like what your last few days or weeks have been like? If so, then you might be having a trauma anniversary.

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How to calm down when everything is horrible

How to calm down when everything is horrible

If you’re feeling like you’re struggling a little more than usual right now, you’re not alone.

As of writing this article, a lot of us are feeling burnt out from about a year of masking up, social distancing, and avoiding social gatherings.

Fortunately, there’s actually a physiological shortcut to calming down when you’re feeling anxious or angry.

It’s called the vagus nerve.

The vagus nerve helps bring your body back to homeostasis after it’s freaked out.

The nerve runs throughout your body and controls a ton of body functions, like digestion, blood vessel dilation/contraction, heart rate, breathing, and more.

So, when you activate your vagus nerve, you get your digestion to speed up and your heart rate to slow down.

The good news is that there are some neat (and possibly surprising) shortcuts to stimulating your vagus nerve!

Ashley KirsnerFebruary 24, 2021anxiety, how to calm down, how to calm down when you're angry, how to calm down when angry, how to calm down when anxious, how to calm down when you're anxious, how to calm anxiety, how to calm anger, how to chill out, how to relax, I want to relax, tVNS device, breathing exercises, meditation, mindfulness, how to breathe, how to breathe better, vagus nerve, how to stimulate vagus nerve, how to stimulate your vagus nerve, stimulate your vagus nerve, dive reflex, box breath, box breathing, box breaths, belly breath, belly breaths, belly breathing, singing for anxiety, singing, garglig, gargling, laughing, laughing for anxiety, laughing for anger, singing for anger, massage, massaging, smile, smiling, smiling for anxiety, smiling for anger, smiling to calm down, smile to calm down, massage for relaxation, massage to calm down, CBD, CBD oil, meditate, meditations, how to meditate, I hate meditating, meditating doesn't work, meditating doesn't work for me, meditating sucks, meditating is the worst, I'm stressed, I'm angry, I'm anxious, I'm worried, I'm nervous, how to calm down when you're nervous, how to calm anxiety before a talk, how to relax before a talk, how to relax before, how to relax before a hard conversation, how to get centered, how to feel grounded, feel grounded, feel centered, get centered, get grounded, how to feel better, I feel like garbage, I want to feel better, everything is horrible, how to calm down when everything is horrible, how to calm down when everything sucks, everything sucks Comments

How to apologize: The ultimate template

How to apologize: The ultimate template

I love the above quote from Dr. Lauren Appio. I think it’s important for all of us to accept that for as long as we are alive, even when we don’t mean to, we are going to say things that hurt people. It’s not a matter of “if,” but “when.”

So, whether you’ve said something less-than-kind to a loved one or you’ve used the wrong pronoun for an acquaintance, here are some guidelines for how to respond.

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10 Questions to ask your S.O. (or other loved ones) on Valentine's Day

10 Questions to ask your S.O. (or other loved ones) on Valentine's Day

As if figuring out what to do on Valentine’s Day isn’t hard enough, a lot of us have some additional pandemic-related parameters this year. So, we’ve come up with ideas for how to have a low-key but meaningful Valentine’s Day at home with your partner. (BONUS: If you’re not with a partner, you can absolutely pick and choose whatever pieces of this feel right to do with a friend or other loved one— we’ve even put together some adapted question prompts at the end of this to ask your friends, family, and other close people).

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A unique strategy for big feelings

A unique strategy for big feelings

This week, I’m thinking about the above quote I found via psychologist and author Nedra Tawwab.

10 questions to ask yourself for the new year

10 questions to ask yourself for the new year

Sometimes, a little reflection can be helpful for ushering you through transitions. The new year happens to be a great opportunity to introspect on the last 365-ish days, and an especially good time to start new habits. So, we’ve come up with ten questions to help you make meaning of the last year and to move with direction into the next. As always, we encourage you to delve deeper into the questions that jibe with you and to leave the ones that don’t.

BlogAshley KirsnerDecember 21, 2018new years, new year, reflection, questions, resolution, new years resolution, new years resolutions, compassion, self-compassion, self improvement, new habits, break old habits, habits, ten questions, ten questions to ask yourself for the new year, 10 questions to ask yourself for the new year Comment

How to have mind-blowing sex (Hint: It's not what you think)

How to have mind-blowing sex (Hint: It's not what you think)

Okay, fine, if you’ve ended up on this page, maybe you do already think that good communication is the fastest route to great sex. In case you don’t, though, you can check out this article, or this one, or this one, all of which point to good sexual communication as a big factor in sexual satisfaction. So, we’ve come up with three concrete tools you can use to get the most out of your next roll in the hay.