Am I The Problem?

Oops.. you did it again! You’ve found yourself in a difficult situation that you’ve been in many times before!

Allison ScharmannMarch 28, 2024amitheproblem, problem solving, conflict, conflict resolution, relationships, communication, coping, conversation Comments

How to Say No

FOSNO, or the Fear of Saying No, is no laughing matter.

BlogAllison ScharmannMarch 14, 2024no, how to say no, saying no, self care, boundaries, communication, social anxiety, anxiety Comment

How to have mind-blowing sex (Hint: It's not what you think)

Okay, fine, if you’ve ended up on this page, maybe you do already think that good communication is the fastest route to great sex. In case you don’t, though, you can check out this article, or this one, or this one, all of which point to good sexual communication as a big factor in sexual satisfaction. So, we’ve come up with three concrete tools you can use to get the most out of your next roll in the hay.

Resource Roundup: How to not ruin your relationships in a world of "Me Too"

Are you nervous about interacting with women and gender nonconforming folks these days? That’s understandable; if you know at least 33 men, 6 women, or 2 nonbinary folks, statistically speaking, you probably know a survivor of sexual assault, whether they’ve disclosed it to you or not. And it can be tricky to know how to interact with someone who’s gone through such a horrendous experience (or who is likelier than you to go through such a horrendous experience) that you might not be able to fully empathize with. How can you help them feel safe with you, and how can you support the people in your life who fear sexual assault without overstepping their boundaries? Here are some resources to help you navigate just that. There is no one right answer to how to be there for others, but we’ve received overwhelmingly positive feedback about these articles. We hope you or someone you care about finds them helpful.

Ashley KirsnerOctober 4, 2018sexual assault, assault, trauma, self-care, metoo, me too, #metoo, me, too, resource, resources, resource roundup, communication, talk to women, how to, how to talk to women, nonbinary, how to talk to nonbinary

How to handle tough personalities

We’ve gotten a lot of requests for this one.

They often sound something like: “I’m a good communicator, but it’s just that my coworker/ roommate/ mom/ boyfriend’s second cousin is awful at communication.”

But no matter how horrible of a communicator they are, you can use this trick to work within their limited communication skills and get your point across.

Why you need self-compassion in your life and how to do it (even when you don’t want to)

At Skip the Small Talks, we ask attendees to have compassion for others and for themselves as they try out new ways to hold conversations. It’s probably obvious why we care about people having compassion for each other at an event where strangers are getting to know each other for the first time, but equally if not more important in that context is self-compassion. That’s because any attempt at change or improvement generally goes much more smoothly if you’re not beating yourself up after every setback. Connecting genuinely often requires taking some risks (like sharing things that feel a little vulnerable), and having compassion for yourself when those risks don’t pan out the way you hope can help you continue taking some risks in the long-term, and can help make the learning process easier for you in the short-term.

BlogAshley KirsnerApril 5, 2018compassion, self-compassion, Skip the Small Talk, blogpost, skip the small talk, hotline, suicide hotline, listening, talking, self-love, vulnerability, genuine, communicating, communication, communication skills, coping skills, coping, distress tolerance, tolerating distress, resilience, psychological well-being, well-being, happiness, mood, happy, friends, friendship, strenghts, positive psychology, positivity, help, criticism, critique, be kind to yourself, worthy, worthiness, you are worthy, self-talk, positive self-talk, mental health, mental wellness, Skip the Small Talks, authentic, conversations, conversation, evolutionary psychology, evolution, negative, negativity bias, negativity, gratitude, asking for help, reaching out for help, reach out for help, reach out, reaching outComment

How to talk about your accomplishments without sounding like a jerk

So you just got a promotion, or maybe you got a nice compliment from a passing stranger on your outfit, or maybe you won a free cruise. It’s human to want to tell people about the cool stuff that’s happened to you. It can amplify your excitement to share with someone who “gets it,” and it can help inspire and motivate others who hear about your successes. But nobody wants to seem like a jerk, and more importantly, you probably don’t want to make other people feel badly if they find themselves comparing their lives to this great thing that just happened to you. That’s why we’ve put together some tips for sharing the good stuff without making other people feel badly.

How to write better e-mails

“Tuesday at 3 pm is great. Thanks for your flexibility. Looking forward to chatting then.”

Imagine that the above e-mail pops into your inbox. Do you get the impression that the message’s author is actually looking forward to talking to you? It probably depends on context, of course, but stock language like, “Looking forward to chatting,” or, “Thanks for your patience,” or even, “Sincerely,” are so overused that they’ve mostly lost their meaning. Those phrases and others like them are the “small talk” equivalent of e-mail; they’re polite, they usually don’t offer meaningful content, they don’t require a great deal of thought for either person in the interaction, and they are often the easiest mode of communication for people who don’t know each other well. (We’ll focus on work e-mails in this blogpost, but everything here applies just as much to other types of e-mails or online messages.)

Five Thanksgiving icebreakers that don't suck

Ah, the holidays: A time when we hope our lives will look like those wholesome cartoon specials we watched as children, but also a time when anxieties about getting stuck in conversation with people who hold different political and moral ideologies might keep you from doing that happy dance from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

This Thanksgiving, we encourage you to take some time to connect with others in ways that feel authentic without feeling emotionally exhausting. To help the conversation flow, we offer you some ice-breakers that will get others to share about themselves while subtly nudging everyone’s mood in a positive direction. So if you do end up having the “here’s why racism is bad” conversation with Uncle Joe, you’ll have a buffer of positive experience--and perhaps some common ground--that’ll make it easier for you to communicate with one another.

Three relationship tips you won’t find in Cosmo

Whether you’re looking for a good fit with a friend, a romantic partner, or even a new workplace, you’ve probably heard tips like “communication is key” and “stick with someone/somewhere that encourages you to grow” and “go with your gut.” Sometimes even those clichés can be useful, but there are some other “tells” about how any given relationship is going that can be easy to miss if you’re not looking for them, especially since they aren’t as culturally emphasized as platitudes like “follow your heart.” Of course, these aren’t going to be the *only* things you should pay attention to, but they can all be easy to overlook, particularly if you are focusing some portion of your energy on appearing desirable to the other person/ workplace/ whatever.

Ashley KirsnerAugust 3, 2017relationship health, romantic relationship, relationships, relationship, relationship advice, romantic relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, how to keep your girlfriend, how to keep your boyfriend, strong relationships, healthy relationships, how to have a healthy relationships, how to have healthier relationships, how to have healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to make your relationships healthy, how to make your relationship healthy, should I break up with him?, should I break up with her?, should I break up?, should I break up with my girlfriend?, should I break up with my boyfriend?, metaconversation, metaconversations, meta-conversation, meta-conversations, boundary, boundaries, relationship tip, relationship tips, three relationship tips you won't find in Cosmo, Cosmo, Cosmo Magazine, cosmo magazine, cosmopolitan magazine, tips you won't find in cosmo, tips you won't find in cosmo magazine, respecting boundaries, respect boundaries, set boundaries, set boundary, vulnerability, keeping track, better relationships, deep relationships, deeper relationships, emotional labor, stable relationship, stable relationships, should I marry him?, should I marry her?, should we get married?, is he the one?, is she the one?, how do I know?, how will I know?, how do I know if he's the one?, how do I know if she's the one?, talk to him, talk to her, communication, communicating, Skip the Small Talk, skip the small talk advice, advice, love advice, loveComment

A simple way to take your relationships up a notch (or five)

Five to one: According to one of the most prominent social scientists in the field of romantic relationships, John Gottman, that’s the ratio of positive to negative interactions in stable relationships. Couples were significantly less likely to get a divorce when they had about five positive interactions for every negative interaction they had.

Ashley KirsnerJuly 20, 2017Skip the Small Talk, how to skip the small talk, relationship, relationships, relationship advice, romantic relationship, romantic relationships, boyfriend, girlfriend, romance, how to keep the spark alive, how to have long-lasting relationships, better relationships, deeper relationships, relationship health, the secret to long-lasting relationships, healthy relationships, healthy relationship, managing relationships, how to make your relationships healthy, how to keep your relationships, how to make your relationships last, how to make your relationships last forever, how to make my relationship last, long-lasting relationships, relationship risks, gratitude, how to keep your boyfriend, how to keep your girlfriend, how to keep your friends, how to keep your significant other, how to keep your wife, how to keep your husband, John Gottman, relationship science, better communication, communication, communication skills, how to communicate better, how to have better conversations, positive reinforcement, positive, positive psychology, positive feedback, how to deepen your relationships, deep relationships, I love how you, happy, how to have a happy relationship, relationship ratio, magic relationship ratio, strong relationships, strong marriage, stable relationship, stable relationships, stable marriage, stable marriages, how to take your relationship up a notch, take your relationship up a notchComment

The secret to long-lasting relationships

What do the following have in common?

A “define the relationship” conversation with a crush
Mentioning to your roommate that you never check your Facebook messages
Telling your friend that the way he acts when he’s angry is scary to you

Ashley KirsnerMay 22, 2017Skip the Small Talk, healthy relationships, relationships, relationship health, romantic relationships, platonic relationships, friends, friendships, how to make friends, how to have better relationships, better relationships, relationship, relationship advice, healthy relationship, deeper relationships, managing relationships, how to go deeper, going deeper, how to have a deep conversation, how to have a hard conversation, hard conversation, hard conversations, conversations, conversation, communication, communication problems, how to communicate, how to communicate better, communicating, communicate, communication skills, how to improve communication, having communication problems, metaconversation, metaconversations, meta-conversation, meta-conversations, skip the small talk, how to skip the small talk, learn how to skip the small talk, real talk, deep conversation, deep conversations, how to have deep conversations, how to talk about something hard, how to bring up something hard, how to bring up something hard to your boyfriend, how to bring up something hard to your girlfriend, romantic relationship, girlfriend, girlfriends, boyfriend, boyfriends, romantic partner, romantic partners, significant other, how to keep your girlfriend, how to keep your boyfriend, how to keep your significant other, long-lasting relationships, the secret to long-lasting relationships, how to have long-lasting relationships, how to make your relationship last, how to make your relationships last, how to make your relationships last forever Comments

The Vulnerability Paradox

Have you ever felt comfortable telling something intimate to your hair stylist or bartender or ride-share driver, and then finding yourself feeling warm toward them, and perhaps inclined to tip more? Have you ever developed strong feelings for someone you were dating in a low-stakes context, like someone you knew you didn’t want to be with long-term? Then you are likely familiar with what I’ve deemed “the vulnerability paradox.” According to the vulnerability paradox, a pattern I’ve noticed in myself and others, it’s often easier to open up to those we are not relatively close to, yet, the very act of opening up brings us closer.

Ashley KirsnerApril 26, 2017vulnerability, paradox, vulnerability paradox, how to skip the small talk, skip the small talk, strangers on a train, strangers on a plane, strangers on a train effect, strangers on a plane effect, vulnerable, relationships, relationship advice, casual relationships, romantic relationships, romance, how to get close, how to get close to someone, how to get closer, how to get closer to someone, how to get closer to people, how to get close to people, how to get to know people, how to get to know someone, fear, how to keep your relationship, how to keep your relationships, how to maintain your relationship, how to maintain your relationships, relationship health, healthy relationships, communication, risk, risky, riskiness, relationship risks, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to get people to open up, skipping the small talk, STST, relationship, managing relationships, how to have a happy relationship, how to make friend, how to make friends, how do I meet people, talk big, talk big not small Comment

Three steps to make yourself bulletproof to criticism

I used to be awful at receiving critical feedback or anything I perceived as rejection. I was so bad at it that it led me to quit things I otherwise enjoyed. I went to musical theater camp as a middle schooler and got turned down for big parts for two summers, so I quit. As a dance team member in high school, I had to hear about how I could improve on a regular basis, so I quit. The pattern pervaded pretty much all aspects of my life for years.

Ashley KirsnerMarch 29, 2017bulletproof, criticism, feedback, boundaries, mistake, mistakes, imperfection, making mistakes, thanks for telling me, resilience, grit, positive reinforcement, reward, self-care, suicide hotline, how to deal with criticism, how to cope with criticism, how to criticism, how to take criticism, how to respond to criticism, what to say to criticism, what do you say to criticism, how to make yourself bulletproof to criticism, communication, how to communicate, how to improve communication, how to take feedback, how to take harsh feedback, how to take hard feedback, how to respond to feedback, skip the small talk, Skip the Small Talk, thanks for sharing, harsh criticism, harsh feedback, communicate better at work, how to communicate at work, office, STST, talk big, talk big not small, get to the point, how to get to the point, managing relationships, relationships Comments

How to ask for emotional support without ruining your relationships

I’ve always been a “friend-group therapist.” Even as my social network has morphed over time, the one constant is that for better or for worse, people seem to come to me for help with their struggles more often than they go to others. It’s been that way ever since I was in grade school, when my crush looked to me for advice about whether or not he should tell HIS crush that he was really into her (ouch).

Ashley KirsnerMarch 7, 2017mental illness, mental health, therapy, emotional support, support, struggle, struggling, suicide hotline, help, therapist, consent, communication, codependence, supportfolio, diversify your supportfolio, ask for help, asking for help, supportive, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, s.o.s., crisis, emotional crisis, Skip the Small Talk, learn how to skip the small talk, how to skip the small talk, how do I skip the small talk, how do I ask for help, how do I ask my friends for help, I don't want to be a burden, burden, being a burden, be a burden, I feel like a burden, I'm a burden, STST, diversify, how to go through something hard, I'm struggling, having a hard time, pain, I'm in pain, how do I ask for hep, how to ask for help, talk big, talk big not small, managing relationships, relationships, relationship, healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to have a healthy relationships, how to have better relationships Comments

The four words that change the way people talk to you

Imagine you’re hanging out with a friend.

You’ve been chatting for a bit, and they reveal something more vulnerable about themselves than they usually discuss with you. Maybe it’s admitting that they feel lonely at work, or maybe it’s talking about their history with depression. Whatever it is, it’s a level or two deeper than your usual conversations.

How do you respond?

Ashley KirsnerMarch 7, 2017communication, feedback, honesty, honest, get people to be more honest, get people to tell the truth, get people to open up, getting people to open up, vulnerable, vulnerability, gratitude, open, openness, active listening, thanks for telling me, thanks for sharing, thank you for sharing, s, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, psychology, Skip the Small Talk, STST, how to skip the small talk, how to get people to open up, how to get people to open up to you, how to make friends, how to meet new people, healthy relationships, healthy relationship, how to make my relationship last, how to talk to people, how to improve communication, communicate, how to communicate, thank you for telling me, get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to tell you the truth, how to get people to be honest with you, how do i get people to be more honest with me, relationships, relationship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to have healthy relationships, how to have healthier relationships, talk big, talk big not small, how to have real conversations, conversation starters, conversation, conversations Comment

If you have trouble skipping the small talk, this might explain why

I recently found myself in two almost identical social situations with one small difference that changed everything about the way the interaction went down.

A few months ago, I had some new friends over my house when one of my friends took advantage of a brief silence:

“Can I ask you all a weird question?”

We all nodded and leaned forward a tiny bit in our chairs.

“Is a hamburger a sandwich?”

Ashley KirsnerMarch 7, 2017hamburger, sandwich, is a hamburger a sandwich, questions, skip the small talk, skipping the small talk, buy-in, consent, awkward, awkward situations, leadership, good leadership, going deeper, how to go deeper, deep conversations, how to have deep conversations, boundary, boundaries, how to skip the small talk, STST, Skip the Small Talk, how do I skip the small talk, talk big, talk big not small, how to get people to open up, how to get closer to, how to get closer to people, how can I get closer to, hamburgers vs. sandwiches, hamburger vs. sandwich, conversations, how to have better conversations, how to get better at communicating, communication, communicating, how to improve communication, communication problems, having communication problems, how to get people talking, icebreaker, icebreakers, how to be less awkward, socially awkward, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, relationship, relationships, managing relationships, conversation starters, how not to be awkward, social awkwardnessComment

TIPS, STORIES, AND insPiration