Why your life is hard and how you can fix it

Life will throw plenty of unpredictability at you. So why do so many of us go seeking out chaos in the areas of our lives where we actually have control? The short answer: seeking out chaos is a trauma response.

For those of us who grew up in chaotic environments— whether that chaos is from abusive caretakers, anxious caretakers, or even just caretakers who bickered in front of you— we’ll often feel the most comfortable in chaos. And that means that when given the option, we may tend to choose living spaces, friends, jobs, partners, hobbies, etc. that are chaotic in some way or another.

Choosing chaos in general isn’t necessarily a bad thing! We wouldn’t have anyone working in emergency rooms, or picking up the phone for folks who dial 911, or even acting, for that matter, if there weren’t some people who thrived in chaos. It’s a superpower. But it can also be a drain on your energy if you’re not careful.

That’s why I suggest, especially if you are someone who grew up in chaos and are drawn to chaos, to take inventory of your life from time to time by asking yourself the following question:

4 signs you should be friends with someone

We’ve already talked about how to know it’s time for a friend break-up, but how do you know that someone would make a good friend? Here are four “green flags” that suggest you might want to keep someone in your life.

Ashley KirsnerAugust 10, 20214 signs you should be friends with someone, signs you should be friends with someone, signs you should date someone, friendship, friends, how to make friends, how to make a friend, how do i make friends, how do i make new friends, how do I make new friends, how do I make a new friend, how do I make friends as an adult, respect, boundaries, respect boundaries, values, trauma, healing from trauma, healing from childhood trauma, opening up to fast, skip the small talk, too deep to fast, too deep too quickly, abusive childhood, abusive parent, abusive parents, healthy friendships, healthy friendship, healthy relationship, healthy relationships, how to have a healthy friendship, how to have a healthy relationship, how to have healthy friendships, how to have healthy relationshipsComment

Mindfulness for people who hate mindfulness

Modern mindfulness meditation practices often aren’t trauma-informed. So, it’s no wonder that a lot of people have trouble finding a practice that works for them.

And that’s unfortunate because when done well, mindfulness can offer so many benefits to your everyday experience of the world that research often has a tough time keeping up with all the wonderful things that mindfulness can do: it’s been shown to help smokers quit, reduce social anxiety, decrease chronic pain, improve memory, and so much more.

So here are some tips, from one person who used to absolutely hate meditation and all things mindfulness-related (and who now actually enjoys them), about how to make meditation and mindfulness work for you.

Ashley KirsnerJune 3, 2021mindfulness, mindful, meditation, meditate, meditating, i hate mindfulness, I hate mindfulness, I hate meditating, I hate meditation, how to like meditating, how to like mindfulness, hate mindfulness, hate meditating, mindfulness for people who hate mindfulness, you are here, 20 minutes a day, mindfulness activities, loving-kindness, loving kindness, loving kindness meditation, loving kindness meditations, loving-kindness meditation, loving-kindness meditations, trouble focusing, trouble focusing in meditation, trauma-informed mindfulness, trauma-informed meditation, trauma-informed, trauma, ptsd, meditating with ptsd, meditating with cptsd, meditating with depression, meditating for depression, meditating for anxiety, meditating with anxiety, meditating for mental health, meditating with mental illness, meditating for mental illness, mindfulness for mental illness, mindfulness for ptsd, mindfulness for cptsd, mindfulness for anxiety, mindfulness for depression, mindfulness for mental health, mindfulness for bipolar, mindfulness for bipolar disorder, mindfulness for chronic pain, meditating for chronic pain, meditating with chronic pain, meditating with fibromyalgia, meditating for fibromyalgia, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, chronic fatigue, chronic fatigue syndrome, meditating for cfs, cfs, meditating for chronic fatigue, meditating for chronic fatigue syndrome, mindfulness for chronic fatigue, mindfulness for chronic fatigue syndrome, mindfulness for cfs, mindfulness for fibromyalgia, mindfulness for fibro, meditation for fibro, bad at meditating, bad at mindfulness, I'm bad at meditating, I'm bad at mindfulness Comments

It’s not just you: Why you feel weird lately

If you’ve started feeling odd as we come up upon the one-year-anniversary since a lot of us started quarantining, it’s not just you. You might just be experiencing just one or a few of these things, but some things you may notice are:

Sleep problems
Strange or unpleasant dreams
Irritability
A feeling of restlessness
Feelings of sadness, anger, guilt, and/or anxiety without a clear cause
Flare ups of chronic health issues

Does any of that sound like what your last few days or weeks have been like? If so, then you might be having a trauma anniversary.

Ashley KirsnerMarch 4, 2021Skip the Small Talk, Skip the Small Talk blog, STST, STST blog, why you feel weird lately, why you feel weird, why do I feel weird, why I feel weird, pandemic, covid, covid-19, covid-19 feels, i feel bad, why do i feel bad, why do I feel bad, trauma, trauma response, trauma responses, trigger, triggers, triggering, trauma anniversary, trauma anniversary reacton, trauma anniversary reaction, anniversary reaction, anniversary reactions, anniversary, covid anniversary, covid-19 anniversary, pandemic anniversary, sleep problems, trouble sleeping, sleeping problems, insomnia, strange dreams, bad dreams, nightmares, irritable, irritability, i'm irritable, why am I irritable, why do i have bad dreams, why do I have nightmares, why am I having nightmares, why am I restless, restless, restlessness, sadness, sad, anger, angry, guilt, guilty, anxiety, anxious, why am I anxious, why am I so anxious, why am I sad, why am I so sad, why am I angry, why am I so angry, why do I feel guilty, why do I feel sad, why do I feel angry, why do I feel anxious, why do I feel nervous, nervous, nervousness, chronic health flare up, flare up, chronic health, chronic health problems, quarantine, quarantine anniversary, quarantining, why do I feel bad all the time, why do I feel angry all the time, why do I feel sad all the time, why do I feel mad all the time, why do I hate everyone, I hate everyone, I hate everything, why do I hate everything Comment

Resource Roundup: How to not ruin your relationships in a world of "Me Too"

Are you nervous about interacting with women and gender nonconforming folks these days? That’s understandable; if you know at least 33 men, 6 women, or 2 nonbinary folks, statistically speaking, you probably know a survivor of sexual assault, whether they’ve disclosed it to you or not. And it can be tricky to know how to interact with someone who’s gone through such a horrendous experience (or who is likelier than you to go through such a horrendous experience) that you might not be able to fully empathize with. How can you help them feel safe with you, and how can you support the people in your life who fear sexual assault without overstepping their boundaries? Here are some resources to help you navigate just that. There is no one right answer to how to be there for others, but we’ve received overwhelmingly positive feedback about these articles. We hope you or someone you care about finds them helpful.

Ashley KirsnerOctober 4, 2018sexual assault, assault, trauma, self-care, metoo, me too, #metoo, me, too, resource, resources, resource roundup, communication, talk to women, how to, how to talk to women, nonbinary, how to talk to nonbinary

TIPS, STORIES, AND insPiration