The Tiny Social Risk That Pays Off Over and Over

be willing to make the first move

We’ve written a few times about how the science shows that we are actually way more likable than we think we are, and we also have better experiences of strangers than we think we do.

So all those times that we’ve felt anxious or awkward about how we’re perceived, or worried about what will happen if we talk to a stranger - it turns out that when we do it actually works better for us. Maybe these facts have even propelled us out our door and to a Skip the Small Talk. Great!

What I want to get in to today is how taking one small risk in social and romantic relationships pays big dividends: regularly. 

Whether it’s connecting with a new co-worker who made a great joke in the meeting, fanning the flame with a new crush, or finding your dream rock climbing buddy, this tip will serve you over and over again.

Reach out first. Follow up first. Propose the next thing first.

This can feel like such a huge risk:

• What if they didn’t actually like me?

• What if I come off pushy or clingy?

• What if they have something they’d rather do?

• What if I’m being too vulnerable too soon?

These are real concerns. Especially if we have any experiences of someone else being a bit much or experiencing unwanted attention, we can be extra sensitive to not doing that with others.

And y’all I am so serious, this is not an encouragement to send people 36 texts in a row after meeting them for the first time. This is about being brave and following through on a connection you’ve felt and want to grow. Think about how we treat puppies we don’t know in the street: “can I pet your dog?”, bend down, extend your hand - and let the pup approach. 

Same thing with people, in spirit. You’re offering and initiating the interaction, they will choose if they want to respond.

Yes, there’s the possibility of rejection. There always is. And we’ve actually discovered together that we overestimate how bad rejection will feel. 

For me, the feeling of sitting and waiting to see if someone is going to text me after we had a good friend hang, or a flirty message exchange on an app, is pretty stressy. Over time, practising taking the risk of reaching out first has brought me a lot of relief from worry: I’ve done what I can, I’ve offered. Now it’s up to them.

Let’s explore some strategies for different stages of relationship and how we can pick up some of the social lift.

Starting Out - New Connections

With new connections, it’s all about prioritizing and breaking through the momentum of daily life. We’ve probably all felt it - met a cool person at a friend’s party, or even matched a speed dating event, and it’s hard to crack into established life routines when you don’t already see each other organically. 

Try these, either before you leave the initial hang or as a follow up message later:

Be clear you enjoyed the initial interaction. If there was something specific or remarkable about the setting, hearken back to it, and offer a specific time frame and activity as a follow up.

• Hey, this has been so great - I’ve got to head out now, but I’d love to continue our conversation. Could we pick it up over a walk in the park next week?

• I was so caught up in that lecture’s exploration of the semiotics of 1980s comic books. What did you think? Would you like to join me for the tabletop game night at the local comic book shop?

• I loved your interpretation of the prompt at the writing workshop. Want to go to the next one and grab tea before?

Going Deeper - Building Connection

We’ve definitely talked about how we can get stuck in conversational - and relational - ruts. Especially if things feel like they are staying at the surface, a strategy you can take is to be the first to offer some vulnerability and/or a follow up question to something they said. You should share, but always give them room to share as well.

• Wow! Thanks for sharing that [hilarious story] about your boss with me. I’m curious, how do you feel like you’re relating to office politics at this stage of your career?

• That brings up [past experience you’ve had] for me. I feel like I’ve really learned from that situation and it’s helped me relate to [topic] differently. How did your experience effect how you show up when [topic] comes up?

Integrating - Building the Friend Group

This one is actually less conversational. But when we’re trying to build a positive social network, one thing that can feel like a risk is hosting or organizing an opportunity for a group of people to form new connections.

Organizing a group hang can also take the pressure off individual interactions and provide the opportunity for spontaneous or new connections to spark.

• Host a dinner party (if you like to cook for a group) or if you aren’t that confident, pick a theme and have everyone bring a dish. For example, everyone brings a family recipe, their favorite pasta dish, a dumpling, a soup, etc. Adding a theme will create more opportunity to share and connect over whatever that theme is - most everyone has a food story, and that can draw on a lot of interesting life experience.

• Choose an activity where the group creates or does something together - whether it’s pulling black swallow wort out of the ground in your neighborhood, building a little free library for your block, or sorting cans together at the local food bank, having a shared experience where you create more than the sum of your parts is a great way to bring people closer.

We hope you can get out there and try taking these little risks that add up to big, satisfying connections.