How to Stop Having the Same Surface-Level Conversations Over and Over
going deeper requires presence and patience
The other day, standing in line for the water bottle filler in the office kitchen, I found myself in a conversation with a co worker that I don’t think either of us were particular “at home” for. I ask lightly “Hi! How are you?” and they go “Hi! How are you?” - somehow in the course of the interaction, we literally repeated the “how are you?” question multiple times.
Now, this kind of conversational auto pilot happens a lot at work because it’s more important that we signaling I see you, we are here. We are people. than it is to share deeply about ourselves.
When this broken record problem pops up in situations where you genuinely want to connect, it can be a sign you’re more worried about appearing interested than actually being interested.
why are we like this?
I honestly think the reason we get into these repetitive, surface level conversations is we are out of practice. And so many areas of life don’t invite our full selves, we go on auto pilot just to get to the end of the shift, end of the route, or end of the day. But it can be so rewarding to pause and really settle in to connect with someone.
how can we get out of the rut?
Let’s talk about how you can get into some good conversations, around the water cooler, at Skip the Small Talk (where you can practice!), or out in the world:
Ask questions about experiences and feelings - tell me about a time you were brave and what happened, tell me about a time you felt pure thrill, and so on. This invites the person to lay out their emotional landscape, and gives you lots to ask follow up questions about
Flip the perspective - ask questions that get the other person thinking about themself from the outside. How would your work bestie describe you to a new hire? What did you love to do as a kid, do you still do any of those things?
Match their level of vulnerability - if you just ask questions, it can start feel like an interrogation or like you’re hiding part of yourself (maybe you are!). After you’ve shown genuine interest in fully drawing out their stories, be sure to share about yourself as well. You can follow prompts or just free associate - but make sure it’s true to you!