Talking to Strangers: The Science of Why It’s Less Awkward Than You Think
I recently sat down with social psychologist Dr. Gillian Sandstrom to talk about the science of talking to strangers.
If talking to strangers has ever made you nervous, you’re not alone.
Most people assume that:
It will be awkward.
They’ll run out of things to say.
The other person won’t like them.
Rejection will feel terrible.
According to social psychologist Dr. Gillian Sandstrom, nearly all of those assumptions are wrong.
In our recent conversation, we dug into decades of social connection research on talking to strangers, the fear of rejection, and something called the “liking gap.” The science is surprisingly hopeful — and deeply practical.
Here’s what the research actually says.
The Liking Gap: People Like You More Than You Think
One of the most powerful findings in social psychology is called the liking gap.
When two people meet, they tend to believe the other person liked them less than they actually did.
In other words: after talking to someone new, you probably assume you made a worse impression than you did.
Research shows this misperception can last months. In one study of roommates, even after six months of living together, people still believed they liked their roommate more than their roommate liked them.
This gap begins early — around age five — when children start realizing that others form impressions of them. From that point on, many of us quietly assume we’re less liked than we are.
When it comes to talking to strangers, this matters. It means that after a conversation, even if it went well, you may walk away thinking:
“They were just being polite.”
They probably liked you more than you think.
And if conversations sometimes feel hard to sustain, that doesn’t necessarily mean you're doing something wrong — it often just means you haven't yet found a conversational rhythm. If you want practical strategies for navigating those moments, we’ve written a guide on how to make conversation like a pro.
Fear of Rejection: It Happens Less (and Hurts Less) Than You Expect
One of the biggest barriers to talking to strangers is fear of rejection.
So how often does rejection actually happen?
In one large study involving over 1,300 real-world conversations with strangers, participants were rejected about 13% of the time.
That’s lower than most people predict.
But here’s the more important part: rejection didn’t feel nearly as bad as participants expected.
In a lab study, researchers intentionally created a polite rejection scenario. Participants were told, “I’m sorry, I’d rather be alone right now.” Before the interaction, they predicted it would feel terrible. Afterward, they reported feeling worse than baseline — but not devastated.
Being rejected by a stranger felt about as bad as:
A friend not responding to a text
Being interrupted mid-conversation
Saying goodbye too early and walking in the same direction
Uncomfortable? Yes. Catastrophic? No.
For many people, this fear is closely tied to social anxiety. If that resonates, you might find our guide on socializing when you’re socially anxious helpful.
Our brains evolved to treat rejection as dangerous because being expelled from a tribe once meant death. But modern stranger rejection does not carry those stakes.
We overgeneralize an ancient survival alarm to low-risk social moments.
Introverts and Talking to Strangers
Many people assume that talking to strangers is for extroverts.
The research disagrees.
Introverts enjoy conversations just as much as extroverts do — they simply may prefer fewer interactions or deeper ones.
In fact, some introverts use one-on-one conversations as a way to cope with overstimulating environments. Focusing on a single person can feel grounding compared to navigating a large crowd.
Introversion is about energy preference, not social skill.
You cannot reliably tell who is an introvert just by watching them in conversation.
Deep Conversations Are Better Than Small Talk
Another common assumption: conversations with strangers have to stay at the surface.
Research by social psychologists like Nick Epley shows that people consistently underestimate how much they and their conversation partners will enjoy deeper discussions.
When participants are prompted to go beyond small talk — not into trauma dumping, but into more meaningful territory — they report:
Less awkwardness than expected
More enjoyment than predicted
Greater connection
We assume others want to keep things light.
In reality, most people would prefer to skip small talk.
The line for what counts as “too deep” is much farther out than we think.
A surprising number of friendships start with just one unexpectedly deep conversation. If you’re curious what helps those connections grow, we’ve written more about how to make new friends (and keep old friends).
We Underestimate How Kind People Are
The research doesn’t just apply to strangers.
We underestimate how kind both strangers and friends are.
In studies where participants asked someone to take a photo, people consistently underestimated how willing others would be to help — including friends.
This is especially striking because in most areas of life, people believe they’re above average. But when it comes to social skills — especially casual conversation — this is one of the only domains where people don’t believe they’re above average.
We think we’re uniquely awkward.
We’re not.
This is a classic case of pluralistic ignorance: everyone privately worries they’re bad at social interaction, but because no one says it out loud, everyone assumes everyone else is confident.
We often also underestimate how much small gestures of kindness matter to the people in our lives. If you're interested in leaning into that a little more, we’ve written more about how to be a better friend.
Why We’re So Wrong About Talking to Strangers
From an evolutionary perspective, rejection historically threatened survival. Belonging to a group was essential.
Today, we still carry that sensitivity — but we apply it too broadly.
Strangers are not tribes.
Modern life exposes us to dozens or hundreds of unfamiliar people daily. Our brains haven’t fully recalibrated.
So we default to caution.
The irony? The data consistently shows that talking to strangers leads to:
More positive emotion
More learning
More connection
More enjoyment than expected
We are wrong in the pessimistic direction.
Does Practice Make Talking to Strangers Easier?
Yes.
In a study where participants were assigned small daily “missions” to talk to strangers (for example, find someone wearing a hat and start a conversation), confidence increased over time.
After repeated interactions:
Fear of rejection decreased.
Social confidence increased.
Conversations felt easier.
Like any skill, talking to strangers improves with exposure.
You don’t need to transform into a different personality. You need practice.
And importantly, practice doesn’t require huge blocks of time. Even small interactions are helpful and can build toward meaningful relationships over time — something we’ve explored in our piece on how to make friends when you’re always busy.
FAQ: Talking to Strangers
Many of the questions people have about talking to strangers come back to the same concerns: awkwardness, rejection, and whether these conversations are actually worthwhile. Here are a few of the most common ones.
Is talking to strangers good for you?
Yes. Research shows that even brief conversations with strangers can increase positive emotion, reduce loneliness, and create unexpected learning and connection.
Why does talking to strangers feel intimidating?
Often it’s a fear of rejection — worrying the other person won’t want to talk. Humans evolved to treat rejection as a survival threat, so we still tend to overgeneralize that response to modern, low-risk interactions.
How often do people reject strangers?
Less often than most people expect. In one study involving more than 1,300 conversations, participants were rejected about 13% of the time.
What is the liking gap?
The liking gap is the tendency to underestimate how much others like you after an interaction. In other words, you probably come across better than you think you do.
Are introverts bad at talking to strangers?
No. Introverts enjoy conversations as much as extroverts do — they may simply prefer fewer interactions or more meaningful ones.
Once Upon a Stranger by Gillian Sandstrom: What It’s About
Dr. Gillian Sandstrom’s upcoming book, Once Upon a Stranger: The Science of How Small Talk Can Add Up to a Big Life, brings together the research and her own personal journey from extreme shyness to someone who talks to strangers regularly.
The book explores:
The liking gap
Fear of rejection
The psychology of small talk
The cumulative impact of micro-connections
It releases in the U.S. on March 31 and is available for pre-order now wherever books are sold. Ordering through Bookshop.org supports independent bookstores, and Dr. Sandstrom is donating her proceeds to a social connection charity.
You can follow her work at:
Instagram: @DrGillianSandstrom
jilliansandstrom.com
If you care about social connection — or if you secretly think you’re bad at it — this research will change how you see everyday interactions.