Why “Putting Yourself Out There” Is Such Bad Advice
real connection involves more than just “putting yourself out there”
I’ll go out on a limb and guess that, at some point in our life, we have all been told we just need to “put ourselves out there” to get what we want. Friends, dates, even jobs. Even worse, more than once somebody around the crudité tray at the function thinks this is an appropriate pep talk following a break up, big life change, or other transition. Personally, I’ve never felt a lightning bolt of insight come through when someone suggests “putting myself out there”.
Like seriously, why does this advice rankle? And what are better alternatives?
Where is “out there” anyway?
So one of the reasons this advice doesn’t have much gas is because it’s super vague and doesn’t really provide an action plan. If we sift through the vagueness of “out there” we usually understand this to mean public, busy, and crowded places; places where “things” are “happening”. As though just being close to other people will automatically result in the kind of connection we are hoping to build.
Unfortunately, too often the opposite happens! It can be a set up for more rejection or missed connection, because
It’s too loud! - at bars, concerts, state fair, flea markets (wherever “there” is supposed to be) it can be difficult to make real conversation - or even connect superficially - because it’s so loud. I find myself doing some really inventive lip reading and bobbing my head to whatever they definitely just said. Of course not all connection and communication is verbal, but loud, busy environments can head off connection before you’ve even had a chance to try.
What are we doing here? - when I’m already nervous and struggling to make a connection, being dropped into an unstructured event means no one knows what do with their hands, and especially if there’s not some other point of common ground, it’s easy to end up in that “so what do you do?” trap if you do manage to talk to anyone.
Everyone is on their phone - when it’s not clear what’s supposed to be happening, so many of us just default to being on our phones; to engaging with people who specifically aren’t here
Am I killing the vibe? - is the person watching the session band deeply into this cover of “Sweet Caroline” or are they also desperately wanting someone to talk to? Are they here to get lost in the crowd and will I disturb that? These kinds of self-doubt questions get amplified in unstructured settings.
Do I even like this? - as I’ve written about before, if we just throw ourselves into whatever we see first, or where we think the people are, or what we should like, we can end up doing activities we don’t really enjoy. This dims our shine! If we’re not feeling it, or feeling ourselves, it will be that much harder to make the kinds of connections we want.
Is there space for me? - whether we’re still in our crowded brunch spot or even at a house party or game night, if there’s a pre-existing friend group involved, it can be really difficult to integrate yourself. Groups are their own beasts, and if they’re not being intentional about welcoming in newcomers, even friendly and open people can feel distant and disinterested
And to rub salt in the wound, it can feel like and endless cycle. We don’t quite get what we’re looking for, and those around us will continue to say “just put yourself out there!” It can start to feel like a personal failure.
Check that list again - none of these issues are because of a problem with you! These are problems of complex social interaction, figuring out how to perceive and be perceived, taking emotional risks, and trying to build a life. Relationships aren’t equations, machines, or microwave meals, and it’s the endless variation in how we all show up and what we bring that makes connection so wonderful in the first place.
Putting your plan together
By the end of this essay, I’m hoping all of us are ready to lay “putting ourselves out there” to rest - and instead, to put our plans together! You don’t need Gantt chart or hyper specific timelines, but having support, goals, and compassion for yourself are the foundations for a great plan to connect
Don't go it alone - having the security of an existing friend to go with you or to talk to before/after your experiment “out there” can be huge. I promise, they want to hype you up! If you really feel like you don’t have anyone, email us - and we’ll hype you up!
Set goals/expectations for yourself - Make it bite size and realistic. It can be as simple as “I will introduce myself to someone I don't know and that's an experience that's valuable regardless of the outcome.”
Be easy on yourself - if you didn't get what you wanted out of an experience, that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. Even if you identify things you want to do differently next time, it doesn’t mean you’re the worlds biggest social failure - you’re learning and growing, just like everyone else.