Relationship Roles: How Patterns Like the Caretaker or Peacemaker Shape Our Connections

examining our role in our relationships is hard but fruitful

Here at Skip the Small Talk we share a lot about patterns, behaviors, and how to be with each other so that we maximize our chance at meaningful connection. That’s because so much of about healthy relating - and healthy living - is about habits and consistency.

But what about the patterns and habits that we bring from the rest of our lives?

So often, the roles we play in relationships from our families of origin, current social groups, and past romantic relationships repeat themselves. Over and over. Whether we want to repeat them, or not.

You’re not broken

Take a breath. Sometimes when folks hear me suggest that we engage in patterns, there’s an automatic assumption that engaging in a pattern means a harmful, destructive, awkward, or bad pattern. Talking about roles we play can make us feel pigeon-holed or type cast. 

That’s not the intention here - try to think of patterns and roles as neutral for the purposes of this blog. Like, it would be really odd and probably not particularly fruitful if we tried to avoid having any pattern at all!

Two Common Roles

There are many schools of thoughts on roles, for different situations and relationship structures. I’m just tackling two today: the caretaker and peacemaker.

Now, we can hold both of them at once - and we may not hold them in all situations! But these two can impact our connections specifically because they direct our focus outward without necessarily checking with our own internal state (when we’re in the role).

• The caretaker: feels directly and keenly responsible for other people, works to meet their needs and support their wellbeing

• Strengths: empathy, seeing others deeply, generosity

• Weaknesses: neglecting own needs, overextending, and controlling

• The peacemaker: seeks to calm and soothe conflict, within a group and in one-to-one relationships, works to identify issues and solve in advance

• Strengths: understanding others’ point of view, drawing people together, patience

• Weaknesses: making themself smaller, manipulating, putting themself in the middle

How They Shape Our Connections

Caretakers and peacemakers both tend to connect deeply with others, because these roles require an insight into other people. These roles can help us create the kind of safety it takes to be vulnerable.

And these two roles can cause us to diminish our own desires, needs, and proclivities. We can end up triangulating to get what we want, or try to get a need met by framing it as a need someone else has. If practiced from a place of anxiety, these roles both try to control other people subtly or not-so-subtly.

If you notice you are stepping into these roles frequently, check in with yourself about what you’re proud of and how you’ve been able to use it for good - and check to see if you have underlying needs that aren’t being met, or if you feel stuck in the role and need to accept some care or mediation!

Recognizing a pattern or role we are playing is just a first step, it’s the beginning of a journey to understand ourselves better - so we can share from our essence, rather than perform what we think others want from us.