Why You Don’t Feel Close to People (Even When You’re Around Them)
lonely in a crowd?
What is it about a crowd that can make us feel so alone? Why does loneliness strike even when we have a partner? How come crossing paths with a roommate sometimes feels as personal as waiting your turn at a stop sign?
This common problem of feeling alone in a crowd, or disconnected even when there are people around emotionally and logistically, can cause an emotional short circuit.
Let’s talk about why this happens and what to do about it.
Don’t get it twisted
First, a cautionary word. The biggest misunderstanding I ran across in advice online about this is that feeling alone in a crowd means something is wrong with you. This is nonsense! We all have foibles and baggage to work through. You are not broken because you feel lonely. If you assume this paradoxical feeling is due to an deep-seated problem with you, this will only intensify the anxiety and loneliness. Step back, relax your jaw, breathe.
Why we’re lonely when there are other people around
You aren’t established in a group yet - the biggest factor in moving into connection and belonging is showing up, over and over. There is no short cut. To feel part of something, it takes time and consistency. Especially, if you’re experiencing this in a more intimate setting (with partners or friends), it could mean you’re not showing up as your grounded, genuine you.
You need to do some self-maintenance - if you’re not maintaining basic system operations, you may not be emotionally ready to connect. If you're exhausted, hungry, and the dishes aren’t done, these can be signs you’re out of balance and need to take care of the basics to prepare.
You’re in the comparison trap - it’s all too easy to look at any current friend group, workplace, venue, or partnership and say “but this doesn’t feel like this totally transcendent time in 2006”.Similarly, we may unconsciously compare whatever relationships and life circumstances we have to what we see on an influencer’s reels, or to what our cousin bragged about at the last family dinner. Such comparisons take us out of the moment we’re actually in. If you’re evaluating a situation, you’re not being present for it, and you won’t feel connected.
You’re performing - a consequence of the comparison trap, but a problem on its own, is performing what you think you should be doing rather than doing what feels natural to you. This can also mean performing vulnerability by over-sharing just as much as it can mean forcing yourself to go to a symphony when you’d rather play tennis.
What to do about it
Acknowledge the feeling, and don’t assume it means you’re broken
Be mindful of your own wellbeing and feelings, take the time to examine what you need to be ready to connect
Focus on the moment you’re in, rather than evaluating it and comparing it to other people, places, and times
Keep showing up. Connection is built over time, the more you learn about showing up and being present, the more your ability to experience it will grow.
Skip the Small Talk events are a great place to practice this, even if you don’t feel ready to practice in your daily life. Take the first step and join us at an event near you!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event