How to Navigate Family Gatherings: 3 Strategies
a family gathered for Dongzhi, the winter solstice celebration
The days are shorter, the orange and brown holiday - followed by the red and green holiday - are taking over storefronts and algorithm-driven ads. There are 17 (and counting) winter holidays that many of us participate in. And for most of us, that means family time big time.
Whether forged/chosen family or family of origin, 3 people and 2 cats, or 86 relatives in a rented hall, we want to share three strategies for navigating family gatherings.
Holiday traditions hold connections, memory, and lessons from generation to generation. With many, their meaning is part of that legacy - and it’s actively contested. We are making that meaning collectively as cultures and societies, and as individuals and family groups.
I’ve gotta say, most of the advice I could easily find is bad. I’m trying to write you some good advice.
And even good advice won’t make it easy if you’re in a difficult or painful dynamic. The strategies below will be applicable even in strained situations. This advice is intended for those of us in relatively safe, stable, and consensual relationships.
With that caveat, here are my three strategies for navigating family gatherings.
Know Your Goal
Think about what your goal is for this experience. Do you want to reconnect with a particular family member? Do you want to share important news with the family or a specific person? Do you want to enjoy yourself? Do you want to just get through it?
Establishing clearly what you want for yourself from the event can be an antidote to the expectations you might feel pile up from other people or the general seasonal vibe. For example:
Is your goal just to get through it? Strategies like choosing to be silent on unwinnable conversational battles and being a dish washing busybody will help you get there.
Is your goal to reconnect with someone you haven’t talked with in some time? Setting the intention to ask open-ended questions that draw them out (pssst you can use our advice, even if its from romantic situations, try this, this and this) and accepting you may miss out on having a conversation with everyone if you’re focused on one person will help you make the connection you’d like to.
Know Your Role
Around my family, I very easily move back into the mindset of a child or teenager. Meaning, I can feel less able to state my needs or desires, or even fall back on arguments I had in 2004. Reflect: how has my role in this family shifted? What do I want my role to be?
If you’re a family leader, the host, or included in the Council of Elrond moments, recognize your responsibilities are different than they may have been 5, 10, or 20 years ago! Your actions, communication, and choices help set the tone for others. This can also be true in generation groups as well as whole family structures. You also have the responsibility and ability to seek time and space to make well thought out decisions, rest, and tend to yourself.
If you’re new to the family (for example, attending a partner’s family’s gathering), a guest, or not included in family decision making, release yourself from the expectation that it’s your job to make everything go “just-so”. You have more autonomy to decide what you will and won’t tolerate, and (surprise) you also get to seek out space to rest, think, and tend to yourself.
Know Your Skills
A lot of the family advice articles floating around make vague suggestions about “being mindful and in control of your emotions”. I would argue these are aspirations rather than skills. Think about: what do I do to calm myself on an ordinary day? How do I get my needs met in ordinary settings? Likely, it will be similar here.
After reflecting on your goal and your role, identify the skills you think will support you most: active listening or permission to live tweet the event to your friend groupchat, box breathing or taking a walk with the cousins, setting a firm arrival and departure schedule or putting your phone away and being present.
You’ve got this
You’ll notice a common refrain in our advice: be present, be humble, and be gentle (with yourself and others). There’s no magic formula to a stress free life - it’s just continuing to show up to the moment. You can do this!
If you find yourself in a crisis situation this holiday season, in addition to other resources, check out this list of crisis help lines.
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event