Four Questions to Ask Your Elders

We’ve passed through the veil of Halloween and All Saints Day. Some of us have decorated our ofrendas and are taking them down today. Others are thinking about that last shot costume party our goth friends have scheduled for next weekend.  

While I’ve been seeing red and green in Dollar Tree since August, it’s November that really starts to suggest the winter holidays to me. Over the years, I’ve found myself drawing closer to my elders (for me, mostly chosen elders rather than kin). In July 2021, standing in the cemetery after laying my partner’s grandmother to rest (at the ripe and ready age of 100) I was struck by the dates on the headstones around us. I noticed her father was born in 1887.

I was moved by the fact that I had a direct, loving connection to someone who had a direct, loving connection to someone born around the time indoor electricity first became common. The memory makes me feel close and the past warmer.

In the spirit of the shifting seasons, I want to offer four questions you’ll be glad you ask your elders.

What is a favorite story your grandparents told you?

This question opens up that connection I highlighted above. The past is not so distant! The stories of our greatgreatgreats are closer than we think.

What were your dreams when you were my age?

Use this question to show genuine interest in their wholeness as a person. The conversation can take a lot of turns - listen for what threads to pull on: are your dreams the same now? What have you learned from them?

What family tradition do you cherish the most?

Traditions hold more information and memory than any single person, getting a sense of which your elders treasure can help you look at them in a new way.

What have you learned in the last 5 years that has surprised you?

We don’t have to only ask about the olden days, these elders are present with us - here and now! This question reaches for the parts of them that continue to grow and change throughout their life.

What have YOU always wanted to ask ME?

This is a moment to be vulnerable - who knows what they’ll ask! Maybe they’ll ask you how to take a screenshot, but it could be something much more. You’ll just have to ask to find out!

Intergenerational community is worth investing in.

I’ve found immense joy in cultivating friendships with people as old as (or older than!) my parents. Some of my deepest friends have at least a couple of decades on me. Among the most important things I’ve learned is that, it wasn’t always like this - and it won’t always be, either. 

Choosing conversations with our elders that break past the surface pleasantries and seek to connect adds depth and richness to these relationships. It sets us up for greater understanding and for working together to tackle whatever challenges come - to our family, our town, our school board, and much more.

Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event