Why So Many Good Relationships Start With Friendship

and we all kind of saw it coming

Do you know that couple or throuple where after years of video games and ska concerts, they one day announced they were in love?

The group chat may have been surprised at first, but looking back, it all made sense. After all, some of the most durable romantic connections grow out of firm base of friendship. The research even shows, most relationships begin this way.

Let’s break it down.

Some relationships we don’t really get a choice about. We don’t often pick the people who raise us; we don’t pick our bosses or coworkers; we don’t pick our congregations. We have more choice when it comes to the kind of community organizations we join, or if we go to the chess club vs. the rave night. But if when we look to build connections with another adult socially - well, we are actually choosing that in a specific way.

We get to practice being intentional, deciphering what we want, and (with quaking knees) letting the other people know that we want to go deeper. With them.

Therefore, romantic and platonic relationships are more similar than they are different. We can apply the same principles to these relationships, and if we treat romantic partners like friends first, we’re a lot more likely to build a resilient and mutually nourishing relationship.

the principles

Let’s get into three core reasons so many good romantic relationships start off with friendship.

• Genuine interest - we are genuinely interested in our friends; we ask questions, about the little things in life (how was your weekly team meeting?) and follow up about the big stuff (so, what are you thinking about God these days?). We actively enjoy getting to know the nooks and crannies of their mind and heart. This kind of deep interest translates well to healthy romantic connection, because it honors their whole personhood.

• Common ground - we share something. Maybe it’s a belief system, interests, life experiences, or a daunting collection of old editions of Encyclopedia Britannica. We may differ in every other way, but whatever we share in common with our friends can weather a lot of storms - this plays in favor of romantic connection too, because it takes pressure off the moment to moment relating we are doing. We get to share a focal point.

• Conscious choice - I’ll go back to this: choosing each other is key. At the beginning of romantic connections and throughout friendships, there’s much less social expectation to stay connected out of obligation (unlike family) or necessity (like work). We make the choice, we say - I want you. This may feel intense, but it is deeply true.