How to Create Emotional Safety in Relationships (Without Forcing Vulnerability)

Uno debe amar lo más que pueda -Bad Bunny

Why do relationships fall apart, or fail to get off the ground? One reason can be a failure to create or maintain emotional safety. Like Bad Bunny’s smash hit BAILE INoLVIDABLE reminds us, falling in love (platonic or romantic) is an unforgettable dance. The best partner dancing requires trust, practice, and intuitive communication - so to avoid the heartbreak and isolation of lost love, let’s take some time to discuss some strategies for creating emotional safety without forcing vulnerability.

What is emotional safety and why is it important?

Emotional safety is, fundamentally, a feeling. We humans evolved as social creatures who derive our survival strategies primarily from building communities that work together. Emotional safety is not freedom from conflict or disagreement. Emotional safety is not constant validation of things we already believe. At a neuro-psychological level, emotional safety is the sum of all the cues in our social group that we do not need to freak out right now.

Emotional safety is important because when we can trust the relationship(s) we exist in, we can do more than just squeak by. We can create, feel joy, take risks that carry us further, and more. Contrary to popular belief, emotional safety is not about always feeling comfortable, it is about feeling able to encounter challenges and problems effectively.

What’s so tricky about vulnerability?

Counter-intuitively, vulnerability is a key ingredient to effective and safe relationships. We talked about this a few weeks ago! Compared to past generations, it’s becoming more common to openly discuss vulnerability, including sharing about trauma and mental health challenges. This is largely very good!

And at times, vulnerability can feel forced. We may feel like we have to “prove” our connection to a partner by sharing difficult information before we are ready, or there may be pressure to share emotions publicly to demonstrate that you’re on the right side of something at work, in your family, or friend group. Forcing vulnerability can lead to brittleness, disconnection from our own experience, and resentment.

Fortunately, there are things we can do to create emotional safety for ourselves, for our partner or friend, and in the relationship itself.

Three strategies for creating emotional safety without forcing vulnerability

Make time - a tiff about who will wash the dishes while you’re running out the door to work is not the best time to bring up deep family wounds about household chores. It will feel like justifying a feeling that is happening, rather than an invitation to be heard and understood. When emotions are coming up fast, put a pin in them and either check in to make sure there is adequate time to look at the squishier stuff underneath, or agree to return to it when there is enough time.
Make space - approach vulnerable or difficult topics or activities from a safer place (whether literal or figurative). We’ve probably all decided to talk out an argument with a friend over a walk in the park, rather than at one person’s house - because it’s neutral territory. Extend this concept to other moments: choosing where to take a phone call, ensuring you’ve eaten and gone to the bathroom before trying a new activity, and so forth.
Make choices - this also means making choice possible; consent is key and consent is not possible if you cannot say no. Making decisions about the time and space together and help you practice for other parts of the conversation. Some helpful questions and phrases may be “I’m not ready to go there yet.” “I want to bring the conversation to this experience of mine, are you ready for that?” “Are you feeling ready for this conversation, or do we need to reschedule? I want to hear from you when you’re as ready as you can be”

Like learning how to dance, you will step on your partner’s toes, you will stumble and feel foolish. That’s also part of it, returning again and again so that over time you learn it is safe to make mistakes.

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