Unspoken Expectations in Relationships: How They Create Distance (and How to Talk About Them)
how do you identify unspoken expectations?
IHave you ever been frustrated that a friend forgot an important anniversary? Felt ignored when a partner didn’t text you good morning? Or, have you found yourself confused when a new partner expresses hurt when you chose not to accompany them to a work or family function? Felt shamed when a friend points out you haven’t texted back in a specified timeframe?
These are common examples of unstated expectations, and they can throw us all for a loop. What is obvious, courteous, normal, predictable, or assumed varies so much between individual people, and sometimes across cultures. A classic example is that for many Latine people, being exactly on time is rude, because it is a burden on the host; on the other hand, my very gringa family taught me that punctuality is a sign of respect. Neither position is inherently right or wrong, but when we have different assumptions we are more likely to encounter misunderstandings.
Now, this does not mean that we can avoid conflict simply by articulating in detail everything we want and expect from the jump. Frankly, that would be weird! Why? Because relationships are built, relationships are dynamic, and relationships require active participation from all parties. Too often, if we start with a long list of rules, it’s a big turnoff because it comes across as unilateral and usually contextless.
Dr. Raquel Martin has a great resource for self reflection that helps you articulate your rules, expectations, standards, and boundaries. I encourage everyone to explore that resource to dig into the important differences between those concepts.
For our purposes, good indicators that it’s time to look at our unspoken expectations are when we notice a repeated behavior (or lack thereof) in a relationship that leads us to feel: misunderstood, confused, disappointed, ignored, resentful, or frustrated. In an otherwise healthy dynamic, these feelings may point us to something out of alignment.
If we don’t examine those feelings and assumptions, over time the pattern can feel bigger and more overwhelming, or erode the strong foundation we once had. We might pull back from the pain, try to hide our feelings, smooth over disagreements, or feel shut out. Often, we begin to write our own story about what the pattern means, trying to create a unified theory of why we hurt.
How to Talk About Unspoken Expectations
As a general rule, it’s best to catch these issues early on and when they’re small; if it’s gotten big, break it into smaller pieces. “You expect me to do all the work in this relationship” is a much bigger set of expectations to tackle than “I feel like I’m putting in a lot of effort to check in about how we’re doing, how do you feel about frequency of check ins?”; trying to catch the pattern when its still small can be easier to course correct, but taking a big misunderstanding and breaking it down into component parts can help (be careful to allow time and space, and not try to run through a check list of items in an hour)
Know yourself - do some introspection through journalling, therapy, support groups, conversations with trusted friends, or art to deepen your understanding of what is it you expect (including the resource above); be gentle but don’t let yourself off the hook! Examine your own patterns, what do they say about your expectations?
Know them - check how well you know the other person by asking your counterpart about your assumption directly, “Is it true that my texts in the morning annoy you?” In a non-accusatory, open tone can give you the information you need to have an honest conversation about how texting feels and what you both want out of it
Know the setting - One your own and together, explore questions like - how long have you known this person? What brought you together? What significant life factors do you share (watch out for more assumptions here!)? What do you have direct knowledge of, where are you filling in the gaps?
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event