Why Vulnerability Is the Secret Ingredient in Lasting Relationships
Opening up allows us to form relationships gently and honestly
How do we help connections last? What are lasting connections meant to feel like?
I encounter these questions in my social circle regularly. The upheaval of our 20s and 30s - moving through young adulthood, romantic relationships, different jobs, changing towns - can make us feel like we’ve forgotten (or never knew) what it takes to have something that lasts.
Now, as ever, relating with other people is not algebra, but there are principles we can apply to improve our relating. Today I want to explore the element of vulnerability, and why it is core element of lasting relationships.
Let’s define vulnerability
We need to set definitions here, because vulnerability has several meanings. For our purposes, vulnerability is about dropping the superhero act and allowing those we connect with to see our emotions, shortcomings, and challenges.
This can look like:
Exploring a feeling you are having while it is happening, thru conversation, art, metaphor, crying, and more
Asking for help with a situation or task
Acknowledging and engaging with a disagreement
Counterintuitively, practicing vulnerability can actually ease anxiety, because we stop fighting off the (often) negative or unwanted emotions associated with packing it in. It can promote understanding and appreciation between friends and partners, because we are giving them a more complete picture of ourselves.
By showing our vulnerability to each other, we lay down direct evidence that we can handle hard things together and over time we develop healthy habits about how to be present when things are hard. Intimacy tends to grow slowly.
Vulnerability should not be:
Over-sharing or trauma-dumping: I know your anxiety is currently saying “but how do I know the difference!?” Usually, over-sharing and trauma dumping come with a sense of being flooded, being unable to pause, being unable to respond to the person in the conversation with you, repeating yourself, or totalizing beyond the situation you are sharing about (“and that’s why my whole life sucks!”)
Side stepping accountability for mistakes or wrongdoing: it is important and vulnerable to consensually share context for why something happened, or how you’re thinking about it, but you should not pivot to being vulnerable in order to deflect attention from the mistake itself or justify it
Practice!
Practicing vulnerability looks different on the first friend hang than it does 15 years into the friendship.
The first part is internal:
Experience and label your emotions before sharing: the first person you’re going to be vulnerable with is yourself. Rather than trying to externalize them immediately (which is my M.O., to be honest)
Journal or imagine yourself sharing with the person in question: does this pass the gut check for how long you’ve known each other, where your relationship is, or what the moment calls for?
The second part is doing it, here are some examples:
If you hear a friend you’ve known for awhile say something you disagree with, ask them open ended questions about it; share your own thoughts without trying to refute or win.
Especially if you are usually providing care or doing favors in your friend crew, ask the gang to help you do something that challenges you (updating your résumé, cleaning out your car, bringing you a meal)
And, of course, you can come to a Skip the Small Talk near you to get some experience test driving being vulnerable! The questions our facilitators use are designed to allow you share as much or as little as you feel ready to - and to connect in real ways with new people!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event