When Dating Feel Like Work: 3 Ways to Find Joy in the Process Again
cute couple cutting up on a date
This afternoon on a popular queer dating app, the only message in my inbox was from a quite lost Trumper ranting about crime and punishment telling me to “get mental help”. I rolled my eyes and closed the window before my app timer ran down.
As a non-monogamous gay woman in my 30s with 3 jobs, a housing collective, and too many volunteer commitments, sometimes the dating game is the last one I want to play.
It feels universal: dating sucks, a horrid combination of Russian roulette and inbox management that makes OpenAI’s promise of erotic ChatGPT feel palatable.
This week I’m here to tell you 3 ways to find joy in dating again.
Attitude reboot
Look, more than half the battle is about attitude. It makes sense that you’re discouraged after being ghosted, roasted, catfished, objectified, negged, mogged, or just plain rejected so many times. But here’s what you need to reset your attitude:
Shift your thinking from “Find the One” to “Know Somebody” - this was the best attitude advice I found in my research, so definitely read the original. Essentially, weighting every date with all the pressure to find perfection (what would that even be?) saps the energy and vitality that comes from just simply getting to know a new person.
Let go of the checklist and focus on how someone makes you feel - that’s not to say ignore obvious red flags, but don’t obsess over each person you consider ticks every box. My mom loves to say that she had a rule she would never date a man who had been divorced or already had children - my parents have been together 36 years now. What matters most? Dad makes her laugh.
Reframe rejection - especially at the initial messaging and early dates stage, try to reframe rejection to be more about compatibility. This one actually works for the job search, too! The first round conversation is mostly about if there’s a spark to build on than anything deeper about who we are as people.
Get off the apps
Either entirely, or just as soon as possible. Another friend married since the 80s agrees, they think that the apps are just luck of the draw. It’s more fun (back to the attitude of getting to know somebody rather than find The One) to make connections through existing friends, coworkers, and acquaintances. You’re more likely to have shared experiences to build off of, and therefore to have an equally good time getting to know each other even if it ends up not being a romantic relationship.
However, if the apps still call to you, moving conversation off the app’s messaging service as soon as comfortable is best. Making a plan is best, but even moving to actual texting soonerl reinforces that you are both people, not profiles.
Do things you actually enjoy
The proto-typical first date of the drink or dinner, seated facing each other, staring down all our anxieties in various degrees of dim lighting actually strikes me as the worst date choice. It fosters a sense of being interviewed and pulls on those things most of us fear: what to say, how to say it, and you have to do it for potentially hours!
So pick an activity that you actually enjoy (or might, trying something unfamiliar can be a fun adventure!) to build your dates around. A good way to do this is to say, “I’d love to share xyz with you! Do you want to go? We can take a walk/have coffee/eat after. I’d also be excited to hear if you have another idea!”
If your prospective date doesn’t want to do any of the things you suggest (or vice versa) it probably indicates a lack of compatibility
A performance, movie, or talk followed by that drink or meal lowers the pressure of conversation because it gives you an immediate, shared experience to start from
If you’re having a good time, your date is more likely to have a good time - so picking something you would do whether or not you had a date is safer bet
I hope you try out these strategies as the nights get longer and colder! And of course, you can always practice your conversation skills at Skip the Small Talks - and in some cities, you can even try out our speed dating offerings!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event