What Makes Someone Easy to Talk To?
cultivating ease in conversation requires presence, sharing, and these good habits
At 21, I took my first international flight. I was headed to study abroad in the Netherlands for six weeks. I don’t remember much about the airports, or the security lines, or even if I was nervous. I do remember Susan, the woman I sat next to on the overnight leg from New York City to Lisbon.
I remember feeling completely at ease with Susan.
Maybe it started with her trying to get me upgraded to first class because my headphone jack didn’t work. Soon she was laughing at my jokes and listening to my plans for the summer. We shared stories until I got too sleepy to keep it up. She told me about “legs up the wall” after long flights, a practice I still use any time I fly. I took down her recommendations for things to do, and then before we knew it, I was zipping to my gate for the flight to Amsterdam.
To this day when I think of her, I just marvel at how she was just so easy to talk to. It was an interesting role reversal for me, as someone who often finds herself on the receiving end of other’s life stories.
Since you're still reading this, I’m assuming you’re interested in some wisdom on how to create that easy, genuine feeling in conversations.
And the good news is that there probably isn’t one secret skill you’ve been missing.
It’s more about a handful of habits that make conversations feel easier—the kind that help the other person relax a little and stop worrying so much about whether they're saying the right thing or how they're coming across.
They don’t have to wonder whether they’re boring you, perform to keep your interest, or keep proving that what they’re saying is worth your attention. They can just be there with you.
It’s Not That the Sauce is a Secret
There are many opinions on this topic. It’s not a complex chemical formula, or the timing of minute facial expressions (any other Lie to Me fans out there?), but it is about developing the habit of integrating a few key principles into your conversations. I’ll say it again - your local Skip the Small Talk is basically the ideal place to practice!
So let’s take a look at the habits and mindsets that help conversations feel easy.
Posture
Sit beside them or at a slight angle - That conversation with Susan was in airplane seats. I’ve had some of the most memorable conversations of my life in the car, on the bus, on long walks, or sitting next to someone at a bar.
There’s something about not staring directly at each other that can make a conversation feel less intense.
The cultural assumption is often that we should face people directly to “really talk,” but depending on the person and context, that can start to feel like an interrogation. A direct face-to-face setup can make every pause feel loud. You become more aware of each other's reactions, and even eye contact can start to feel loaded.
Sitting side by side, or at a slight angle, softens the whole thing.
You can still turn toward each other and pay attention. It just takes some of the pressure off.
Hold yourself up - Just to be clear, this is not about sitting perfectly or looking "polished." This is way more about putting yourself in a physical position that feels more open, which makes it easier to open up and can help others feel more comfortable opening up to you, too.
Find the middle part of you and lift your upper back and head from there. Roll your shoulders back. Let your chest have a little more space. Let your face be visible. Let your body communicate that you’re available to the person in front of you.
This can sound a little woo-woo, but “opening up” physically signals social openness, not just to others, but to yourself.
When we are curled inward, looking down, folded over our phones, or physically braced, we may feel a little more guarded without even realizing it. When we open up slightly, we can sometimes access a little more ease inside ourselves.
The goal is not “perfect posture.”
It’s more like communicating, to yourself and the other person: I’m here and I’m open to this.
Let your face be responsive - You absolutely do not need to perform exaggerated facial expressions. But part of what makes someone easy to talk to is that they give small signs that they are with you.
This may sound obvious, but if you don't already do this, it can make a huge difference: See if you can laugh or even just slightly smile when something is funny. If someone tells you about a terrible day, you try out letting your eyebrows furrow a little bit instead of staying blank. When a story surprises you, see what happens if you let your eyebrows go up a little.
Or if these feel inauthentic, brief verbal acknowledgements can help a lot; something as small as including a few more "yeah's," or "mhmm's" goes a longer way than you might expect.
These cues matter because conversation is more than just exchanging information. We are always, at some level, asking: are you still with me?
An easy-to-talk-to person answers that question without making you beg for it.
Attitude
Focus on the experience - Ignore notifications, put your phone on vibrate, turn it face down, leave it in your bag-- whatever you need to do to keep your attention on the person and conversation in front of you.
This does not mean you have to become a monk. We all live in the real world. Sometimes you really are waiting on an important message, and most people are understanding of that.
But there is a big difference between briefly checking your phone because you need to and making the other person feel like they are competing with the entirety of the internet.
Being easy to talk to often starts with one very basic gift: you make the other person feel like they are not an interruption.
That is rarer than it should be.
Get curious - Ask follow-up questions when they share a story, in a way that feels natural rather than rapid-fire or like someone at a networking event who just read a book about active listening. Just in a real way. For example:
What was that like for you?
What happened after that?
How did you decide what to do?
Was that exciting or stressful?
Wait, had you always wanted that?
And also, curiosity can show up in more than questions. Sometimes it looks like sharing what resonated with you. This can be as simple as statements like:
“Oh, I really felt that part about wanting to leave but not wanting to seem rude.”
“That makes so much sense to me.”
“I know that feeling.”
Curiosity means you're genuinely engaging with what they're saying instead of mentally preparing your next point.
Make the time - Don’t rush through the conversation, and don’t be too worried about pauses or silence.
This is the hardest one for me.
I am very prone to filling silence. Sometimes I can almost feel myself tossing words into the air just to keep the conversation from touching the ground.
But ease often lives in the moments when nobody panics.
A pause doesn’t necessarily mean anything is wrong; it might mean someone is thinking, the conversation is shifting into a new place, or both people are comfortable enough not to constantly prove that things are okay.
It is easier to talk to someone who doesn’t feel like they’re rushing off to something else, or in a hurry to "get to the point."
That doesn’t mean every conversation needs to be long. You can create ease in a five-minute exchange. But the other person should not feel like they are racing a clock inside your head.
Content
Balance light heartedness and genuine sharing - It is actually totally not weird to laugh a lot and then share some deep nugget from our lives in the same conversation. Playfulness allows us to test our comfort level, so including both real or deep moments alongside jokes and silliness facilitates a lot of ease and comfort.
In fact, I think that mix is often where the best conversations live.
But, and this is important: don’t joke about the deep stuff they share unless you’re really, really sure.
There is a big difference between bringing warmth to a serious moment and making someone feel like they were foolish for trusting you with it.
You both get to talk - Mutuality in conversations goes a long way.
If you’re a babbler, like me, work to not overwhelm the conversation with chatter. Notice whether the other person is getting to have their own thoughts, their own stories, their own pace.
But that doesn’t mean your job is just to sit there and absorb whatever they say.
A lot of advice about being a good conversationalist makes it sound like the goal is to become a question-asking machine. Just ask questions. Then ask more questions. Then ask follow-up questions. Then nod.
But most people don’t actually want to feel like they’re being interviewed; they want to feel like they are in something with you.
So share, too.
A good conversation has a little back and forth.
Free associate - Let the conversation go where it goes. The meandering is often an indication that you’re feeling at ease.
When that happens, the conversation is often becoming more alive and personal.
When we’re uncomfortable, we often cling to approved topics, and those questions can be useful. But ease often shows up when the conversation starts making its own little path.
Let it.
Use specificity - One thing that makes someone easier to talk to is that they give you something specific to grab onto.
Instead of “work has been busy,” you might say, “I had one of those weeks where every task created three new tasks, and by Thursday I was basically just opening tabs and whispering no.”
Instead of “I like traveling,” you might say, “I love the first hour in a new city when I’m just walking around pretending I live there.”
Specificity gives the other person a way in.
Don’t optimize every moment - This is maybe the least sexy piece of advice, but it matters.
Sometimes people become hard to talk to because they are trying so hard to be good at talking.
They're tracking whether they asked enough questions, wondering if they should mirror your body language, and trying to be charming, impressive, warm, funny, and charismatic all at once.
That is a lot of jobs for one nervous human, and the other person can often feel it.
The goal is to create the conditions for a real interaction-- not a perfect interaction.
What it all comes down to
When I think about Susan, I don't remember any particular conversational technique she used, or any especially brilliant question she asked, or some memorable piece of advice that suddenly changed my life.
I just felt like she was really present with me. At least in my experience, that's what makes someone easy to talk to.
And the nice thing is that being awesome to talk to is something you can practice in everyday conversations.
If you'd like a place to do that with other people who care about having better conversations, well--