Do You Want to See Them Again, or Do You Feel Like You Should?

Sometimes the hardest part of meeting someone, whether romantically or platonically, is figuring out whether you want to keep getting to know them.

You had a nice enough time. Maybe they asked questions, you found some things in common, and when they suggested doing it again, you said yes. But now, you’re trying to make plans and noticing that you’re not especially looking forward to them.

It can be hard to admit that to yourself, especially if you’ve been wanting more friends or hoping to meet someone to date. You finally met a nice person who wants to spend time with you! Shouldn’t you be jumping at the opportunity?

Maybe you are, and making plans is just a pain this week. Or maybe you liked being liked, but didn’t feel all that interested in the person doing the liking. Those can be surprisingly hard to tell apart.

Before you agree to another hangout, it’s worth giving yourself a little space to figure out what you want.

What would you like to know more about?

Think back to the conversation. Is there anything you wish you’d gotten to ask? Maybe they talked about a decision they’re making, and you’re curious where they’ll land. Maybe you liked their sense of humor, or found it easy to tell them something you usually have trouble explaining.

You don’t need a long list. Even a small thing you’d like to return to can help you understand why you might want to see them again.

This is different from making a list of their good qualities. Someone can be kind, interesting, and very good at remembering your cat’s name without being someone you feel drawn to. You can appreciate those things about them and still find yourself struggling to name anything you want to do or talk about together.

If that’s where you land, try letting yourself notice it before jumping in with reasons you should give them another chance. You totally mind ultimately land on wanting to give them another shot, but if you really don’t think you have anything you’d be interested in talking about with them, it helps to hear yourself out first.

What part are you reluctant about?

Imagine they suggest a short walk somewhere convenient, on a day when you have time. How would you feel? Would you want to go?

Sometimes changing the plan makes your answer much clearer. For example, you might like to see them, but maybe you don’t want to spend your only free evening traveling across town for dinner. A shorter hangout might give you a chance to enjoy their company without spending the whole afternoon wishing you hadn’t agreed to it.

Other times, the hesitation is about making yourself available to someone who might not be interested. Maybe you enjoyed talking, but they haven’t reached out, and now you’re reconsidering whether you even liked them that much.

Try asking yourself whether you’d want to see them if you knew they’d be happy to hear from you. You still can’t know what their answer will be, but you may realize you have enough interest to ask.

And then there’s the version where you’ve made the imaginary plan as convenient as possible and you’re still hoping it gets canceled. That’s useful to notice, too.

None of these questions is a test you have to pass. You might be tired enough that spending time with anybody sounds unappealing. It’s okay to give yourself a little time instead of trying to reach a final conclusion while you’re already overwhelmed.

You can like someone without wanting more time together

This is a BIG one. Especially if the other person is really excited about hanging out with you, it can be easy to forget that you are not legally required to hang out with every single person who wants to hang out with you who is nice enough to you. And that’s true EVEN if you like them.

We know you don’t want to hurt their feelings. You know how much courage it took them to reach out, and we’ve all been on the other side of an invitation that wasn’t reciprocated. Agreeing to hang out can feel like the kinder thing to do.

But consider what you’re agreeing to. Are you curious enough to spend another hour together and see how it feels? Or are you already trying to figure out how many times you’ll need to go before you’re allowed to stop?

You don’t have to keep making plans until someone does something wrong. The fact that they’re a good person doesn’t create an obligation to date them or develop a friendship.

If you do want to decline, you can be warm and clear. After a date, that might be: “Thank you for asking. I enjoyed meeting you, but I don’t think this is a romantic connection for me. Wishing you well.”

With a potential friend, you might say: “Thanks for thinking of me! I’m going to pass on getting together, but I’m glad we got to meet.” It can feel tempting to add “maybe another time” to soften the answer. If you don’t mean that, though, leaving it out saves them from having to keep asking.

I also personally believe that if you are not sure how the other person would react to a gentle, honest, and kind rejection, sometimes ghosting is a reasonable choice. Of course, please don’t ghost someone you’ve been friends with for 17 years or anything like that, but ghosting someone shortly after meeting them is sometimes the safest and kindest option, in my opinion. I realize this is a bit of a controversial take, but I’ve heard too many awful stories about people lashing out at a totally reasonable and kind rejections to be inclined to only use my verbal rejections on people I trust enough to receive them with respect.

Whether you’re telling them or showing them that you’re not interested in hanging out, they may be disappointed, and you may feel bad about that. Caring about their disappointment doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.

Of course, you might decide you do want another conversation. Maybe you there’s something you enjoyed about your first interaction, and you’d like to find out a little more. You’re allowed to make that plan without knowing whether you’ll want another one afterward. In fact, that’s pretty much the only way first-hangouts ever get made!

It’s also okay if your answer changes once you spend more time together. Maybe you were on the fence and end up talking for two hours. Or you were excited to see them, but realize you don’t have much you want to talk about this time. You couldn’t have known that beforehand, and agreeing to meet up wasn’t a mistake.

For now, you can ask yourself whether there’s a plan you’d actually like to make with this person. If there is, suggest it. And if you notice you’re mostly trying to come up with a good enough excuse to say no, you can let yourself say no.