3 Ways to Build Romance - with Anyone!
what is romance, really?
It’s Valentine’s week, and that means - like it or not - we’re wall to wall red and pink hearts, chocolates, and questionable relationship advice. If you’re sick of it, feel free to scroll past and call it good until President’s Day.
However, this week I want to play with the concept of romance and encourage us to shift our understanding of romance: what it is, who it’s for, and how we build it. Romance has too many definitions for even Wikipedia to feel confident pinning one down! Today, in Western culture, its most common association is with heterosexual couples in a sexually and emotionally close relationship (or trying to be). The cultural preoccupation with this type of romance, in my opinion, arises from a deep longing for connection.
Why engage in this roundabout exercise expanding our understanding of romance?
Romance is passion, fantasy, mystery, energy, curiosity, vulnerability, and play. Romancing the people in our lives can draw us into more compelling and satisfying connections.
Applied to many different kinds of relationships, romance can help us think about ourselves and others with more depth, curiosity, and care. Specifically when applied to friendships, it allows us to step outside of the distancing that can come with adult friendships, which are assumed to take less priority, less interesting, and less generative.
In short, romantic strategies slow us down, encourage curiosity about each other, and set the stage for vulnerability - all important ingredients of successful relationships.
three strategies to bring romance to any connection
Make it an experience - when you’re taking on creating a date or a friend hang, take time to plan the feel of the experience in advance by paying attention to details and comfort for your friend or date. Greeting them with a small gift, taking the extra step of putting snacks in serving bowls (rather than eating straight from the bag), or thoughtfully organizing the sequence of events (a twee and silly example: spaghetti dinner out followed by Lady & The Tramp) lend an air of intentionality and care. You’ve thought about them and what will make them feel comfortable and special.
Ask questions - when we’re anxious, we can tend to ramble on, trying to fill space and time. Personally, I can tend to accidentally give my resume to new friends when we hangout for the first time! And it’s a notable phenomenon, even referenced in a Chappelle Roan song, that men will go an entire date with a woman without asking her a single question! Check out our blogs for many, many question ideas - but the key is open-ended questions that draw the person out (inviting a story telling moment, for example) and showing interest in what they share.
Open up - this is the balance to strike, between dominating the conversation and showing up to it yourself! Sharing about yourself, what you’re passionate about, what you’re insecure about, what you want, and so on allows your counterpart to join you in that experience. Offering something for them to pick up (just as you have, by being intentional and caring in planning, or genuinely being curious about who they are) will pull you into the connection.
And, most of all, romance should be about enjoying yourself - so connect yourself to that goal and most of the rest will be showing up!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event