3 Questions to Guide You Through Rocky Conversations
Conflict can be an invitation into something deeper
We’ve all been there. You made a poor word choice and suddenly a collegial conversation becomes tense as a thunderstorm. Or a long simmering issue with a partner comes to the surface - maybe planned, or maybe after a frustrating commute in foul weather.
Misunderstanding, conflict, and tension are normal parts of relating. If we approach them with compassion, honesty, and curiosity they can be and are important parts of growing as people and deepening our relationships.
Before we dive into a conflict, it’s useful to take a beat to ensure all parties are actually willing to have this conversation in this moment. There’s few things as unproductive as trying to have a difficult conversation with someone who feels backed into a corner!
In addition, remind yourself that it's very possible the issue won’t be completely resolved in one conversation. Release yourself from the expectation that everything needs to be “okay” at the end.
Questions are Key
Questions are kind of our thing here at Skip the Small Talk. Good questions invite us in, and help us understand ourselves and the other people involved in the conflict better.
Personally, by default, I tend to make declarative statements and expect reactions. However, many friends and loved ones have shared that this puts them into the defensive or shut down mode.
I want to offer 3 questions that have helped me navigate difficult moments with lovers, friends, and family.
Three Questions
Is it true that [state your assumption or conclusion]? - a therapist friend shared this question from her couples therapy practice: in intimate relationships in particular, non-judgementally checking whether or not our assumptions match reality can help us understand what part of a conflict is our responsibility, to what degree we are guessing what someone else thinks or believes, and so on.
Before you share your reaction to what I just said, could you start by sharing something that acknowledges how I feel? - this question can be tricky, it’s important that you also reflect back what your counterpart says to you! At core, this question helps us advocate for our needs and receive care in the midst of tricky situation, allowing us to trust our counterpart more and also get a reality check on if we’re being understood or not
[at the close of the conversation] How can I show you care after this conversation? - if your argument is with a co-worker, you may need to rephrase this question, but at bottom it is about demonstrating ongoing care and commitment, so that everyone involved can digest what they’ve heard and develop insight into the problems and solutions.
practice makes perfect - try these strategies out in smaller conflicts first, and see if they help! If they do, you can work to apply them to more difficult situations. You’ve got this!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event