How to Make New Year's Resolutions You’ll Actually Keep
A Gentler Way to Make Resolutions
The stats are everywhere - by January 31, most New Years’ resolutions will be as memorable as used headphones on an airline. At worst, they may haunt us with guilt for months as we avoid them.
I have been making New Year’s Resolutions for years. I’ve used this practice for simple habits like changing my towel every week to committing to a daily meditation practice, among other things.
This has made it easier for me to identify and act on goals for myself the whole year round.
Resolutions can take any shape you want: it could be a list of one time to-do’s, a habit or habits you want to build (or let go of).
The question at hand is: how do we actually make the changes we want to see in our lives?
Think of it as a relational question. How do you want to be with yourself? It is a process of questioning, mystery, vulnerability, discovery, and (often) quiet joy. Ultimately, it’s the journey and not the destination.
Common Resolution Traps to Avoid
As usual, there is one aspect that involves attitudes and expectations.
No shortcuts - especially in a sea of glitzy “New Year, New You” ads promising to fix your problems, be wary of anything that promises to solve a complex problem with one action (especially if that is a purchase)
No body shaming - goals that include health, movement, exercise, and so on as wonderful! Avoid centering them on your body’s supposed “defects”. Dieting does not work and can lead to various disorders. Focus such goals on your joy, enjoyment, and relationship with what your body can and does make possible for you. Your body is worthy just as it is.
Less Don’ts, More Do’s - it is much easier to do something than to not do something. It is easier to remind myself to read my book rather than remind myself “don’t scroll Instagram. Don’t scroll instagram.” If you are removing a habit from your life, try to replace it with something of similar effort that is positive.
How to Craft Resolutions That Actually Support You
Set aside time - whether recording voice notes while on your morning commute or setting aside a full day to make a vision board, dedicating time to the process will ease the process.
Identify where your energy really is - where does your mind go with what you want to be different? I draw on things that bubble up organically over time. Reflect on the difference between what society or other people think you “should” want and look at your habits of thought or themes that come up to get a sense of where you want to shift.
Humble and small is great - literally, I just needed to remember to change my towel at least once a week. It does not have to be grandiose, just small commitments to one day at a time.
Specific, measurable steps - goals are easier to achieve when we can know if we are achieving them or not. Consider “I want to dance for 20 minutes three days a week” rather than “I want to dance more”; or “I will make the appointment for the therapist consultation by February 1” rather than “go to therapy”
A manageable number - choose a small number of goals; a list of 15 items (especially if they are ongoing habits) will quickly feel overwhelming. You don’t have to nail it all in January.
Within your control - keep your goals focused on things you can actually control. You cannot make a company hire you or make someone date you; focus goals of this nature on the steps you will take to prepare yourself for and find opportunities. You also cannot change the beliefs, thoughts, or actions of other people. You can only commit to what you will change about your side of a dynamic.
Support - identify 2-3 friends or other special people in your life to share your goals with, and ask for periodic check ins, reminders, or help. For example, if you need to start waking up earlier, ask an early bird friend to give you a wake up call (or set up a rotation) for a few weeks. If you’re trying to kick an addiction, cope with grief, or change a compulsive behavior, seek out support groups online or in your community.
A Gentle Note to End On
Be especially careful when considering goals that have direct monetary cost. Some things cost money and we all have different needs. To one person, a subscription meal box could be “quick fix” to alleviate guilt about “eating out too much”; to another, it’s a practical solution to the difficulty of day to day cooking.
Once you’ve set your goals, approach yourself equally with grace and rigor. You deserve the effort it takes to shift to healthier ways of being, and we will always fall short sometimes.
Enjoy the journey of self discovery, take time to assess how it’s going and course correct. And, you may just find this is great fodder to share at a Skip the Small Talk near you!
Folks at an actual Skip the Small Talk event