How to Stay Friends When Your Lives Start Looking Different

it really comes down to making it a priority

Six friends in my inner circle have had a baby, lost a parent, gotten a new job, moved, or started graduate school in the last couple of years. Some have found partners who match their weirdness in ways that look like they’ll last a long time.

Meanwhile, I’ve changed jobs, houses, and industries. Community involvement, political work, and friend circles are a big part of how I’m building my life. For some of my friends, more of their days revolve around parenting, their artistic work, school, or caring for family.

There’s a lot to celebrate in all of that, and some really hard stuff, too. But even when I’m happy for someone, I can still miss how easy it used to be to spend time together.

At times, I’ve been afraid I’ll lose these people who have shaped my early adulthood. It’s a weird feeling to look up and think, “Wow, it’s been a whole month since I spoke to D… and I lived with them for four years!”

Picking up the phone and reaching out when I notice that helps. So does remembering that the way we used to spend time together might need an update.

That can take some figuring out. Here are a few places to start.

Create traditions that fit your lives now

I always go to a particular friend’s excellent Halloween party. Even if I haven’t seen her in a long time, I show up becostumed and ready to get witchy. With other friends, I have weekly Saturday morning phone calls while we take it slow.

One thing I love about a tradition is that it gives us a starting point. We don’t have to keep having the “We should hang out!” conversation and then somehow never pick a date.

Your version might be a monthly dinner, an annual visit, or a short call on the walk home from work. Start with something you both look forward to and can reasonably make happen.

And if the tradition stops fitting, you can change it. A weekly call that keeps getting canceled might work better as a longer monthly catch-up. It’s worth periodically asking yourself (and maybe even asking them), “Would a different plan make this easier for us?”

Get to know the people in their life, and make room for yours

A friend’s new partner, children, or family responsibilities can change what spending time together looks like. Getting to know the people who are important to them can help you stay connected to the life they’re living now.

That might mean learning their kid’s favorite game, joining dinner with their parents, or showing up to their partner’s birthday party.

You can also miss spending time with just your friend. It’s okay to say, “I love seeing everyone, and I’ve been missing our one-on-one time. Could we find a time for just us?”

That curiosity should go both ways. If your life revolves around friendships, creative projects, or community work, those parts of your life deserve attention, too. You don’t need a wedding or a baby announcement to have something worth asking about.

Ask what works instead of guessing what their availability means

When you miss someone, it can be easy to read their schedule as a statement about how much they care about you.

And sometimes you’ll notice something that stings: they haven’t been free to see you, but they’ve made it to their weekly meditation group.

You might not know what makes that commitment easier to keep, or what it’s helping them get through. Asking can tell you more than trying to solve the mystery yourself.

Try: “I miss you! Is there a time or a way of hanging out that’s easier for you these days?”

If you’re worried your messages are adding pressure, you could say, “When things are busy, do you like getting little check-in texts, even if you don’t have time to reply?”

There’s room to explain what you need, too: “I know you’ve got a lot going on. I’ve been missing having time to actually catch up. Could we put something on the calendar, even if it’s a few weeks away?”

Leave room for uneven seasons without doing all the work forever

Someone who’s grieving or caring for a newborn may have very little to give right now. There may be stretches when you’re the one making most of the calls or bringing dinner over.

Friendship doesn’t have to be evenly split every week. Still, if you’re consistently feeling forgotten, that’s worth talking about.

You can be understanding about someone’s circumstances and want them to take an interest in your life. Sometimes a conversation helps you find a version of staying close that works for both of you. Other times, you may need to adjust how much you’re giving for a while.

Your lives don’t have to look alike for you to keep being important to each other. It helps to stay curious about who your friend is becoming, let them know who you’re becoming, and look for ways to spend time together that fit.

You’re allowed to miss the years when seeing each other took almost no planning. There can still be a lot to love about the friendship you’re building now, even if some of it happens while folding laundry.

Make friendship a priority, with room for being human

For these habits to work, we do have to give friendship some space in our lives. Sometimes that means turning down another plan, arranging logistics around seeing someone, or letting something on the to-do list wait.

And that can be surprisingly hard in a productivity-driven culture. There’s almost always something more immediately urgent than calling a friend, and spending an hour catching up doesn’t necessarily give us something we can point to and say, “Look what I accomplished!” Even when we know how much our friendships mean to us, it can be hard to give them time without feeling like we should be doing something else.

Sometimes, knowing how much we love our friends isn’t enough to quiet that feeling. It can help to remember that friendships support our health and well-being over the long term. Spending time together is part of taking care of ourselves. We deserve to make room for that, even with unanswered emails and laundry still in the dryer.

Of course, sometimes we really do have something else we need to do. Caring for someone, getting through a difficult week, or just getting enough rest can take everything we have. Making friendship a priority has to leave room for that, too.

It helps to ask, “What space can I realistically make for connection right now?” Maybe it’s a standing dinner date. Other weeks, it might be a voice message to let someone know you’re thinking of them, or inviting a friend along for something you already need to do.

We won’t always get the balance right, and that’s ok! But time with people we love deserves a place in our lives before the day when we’ve finally finished everything else.