The #1 motivation killer and what you can do about it

Photo by Ezra Jeffrey-Comeau on Unsplash

If you’re anything like me, you have some to-do list items that have been hanging out on your back-burner for anywhere from weeks to months to… sure, I’ll admit it… years. Whether it’s cleaning your room or starting a work project or reaching out to a loved one, I’ve found one common thread in most to-do list items with longer-than-you’d-expect shelf lives.

That thread is shame.

I’ve coined a term for this specific manifestation of shame that I hope will help illustrate how this all tends to unfold. I call it “The Call Your Grandma Effect.”

Let’s pretend that you’ve noticed it’s been a while since you’ve spoken to your grandma, and you think you should call her. Already, you’ve got the groundwork for shame by framing this as a thing you “should” do as opposed to something you want to do, or something that would make you feel good about doing, or something that would contribute to a meaningful relationships of yours.

The “should” primes you to think about avoiding shame as opposed to moving toward something that would be good or nice for you. And the tricky thing about avoiding shame is that, when possible, people tend to just avoid the thing that would remind them of the shame. So, you end up avoiding calling your grandma for a little bit.

That’s where things get tough.

The more you avoid calling Grandma, the more your shame will snowball since it’s only becoming a longer and longer time since you last spoke with her. And as that shame heightens, you become more and more likely to avoid calling Grandma.

As long as you’re feeling shame about having taken so long to call your Grandma, there’s no easy way out of this self-perpetuating cycle; as your shame grows, your avoidance grows. As your avoidance grows, your shame grows. That cycle is the Call Your Grandma Effect.

So what can you do when you’re stuck in the Call Your Grandma Effect? One strategy I’ve found immensely useful is to face that shame head-on. I’ll sometimes take some time to journal about my feelings of shame, and then I’ll do some journaling exercises to offer myself self-compassion. It sounds like such a mundane solution, but it’s truly remarkable how items that have been on my to-do list for YEARS suddenly get done once I offer myself self-compassion to combat the shame.

Having trouble drumming up self-compassion? Finding compassion from a loved one, a therapist or counselor, or even a kind stranger can be a huge help.

Of course, this isn’t the only strategy to escape the Call Your Grandma Effect, but I’ve found it to be one of the most effective. Standard advice about motivation, like breaking things down into small chunks, or goal-setting, generally aren’t as effective when shame is involved. So the next time you can identify something you’ve procrastinated for a long time, see if you can find any shame hidden in there. And if you find any shame, try hitting it with some self-compassion.

Another thing to mention is that you can avoid the Call Your Grandma Effect all together! Try framing your to-do list items as think you WANT to do, or things that contribute to things that you want.

For example, maybe you want to clean your room because you want to have less trouble finding things, which contributes to your desire to have a more peaceful life. Maybe you want to finish your work project because you want the satisfaction that comes with being done with something difficult (or maybe you just want a paycheck— that’ll work, too). Maybe you want to call your grandma because even if it’s sometimes awkward, you feel good when you’re investing time in the relationships you care about.

You don’t have to be a Pollyanna about everything on your to-do list, but at least framing those tasks as things that you want to do as opposed to things you should do might help you actually do those things a lot faster, and with a lot less stress.