Empathy vs Agreement: Why It Matters
As communal beings, we crave social connection to help lower anxiety and depression, regulate our emotions, lead to higher self-esteem and empathy, and improve our immune systems. By neglecting our need to connect, we put our health at risk.
But why is empathy so important? Why are agreements important? Where do they overlap? And why is it important to know the difference?
This isn’t “just about semantics.” Well, it is. But semantics are important. Semantics play a large part in our daily communication, understanding, and language learning without us even realizing it. These days, you're likely to hear someone accuse a debate partner of "just arguing semantics." This is often meant to imply that something is trivial or unimportant; however:
Jenny Lederer, assistant professor and linguistics advisor in the Department of English Language and Literature at San Francisco State University: "'Words shape concepts and can lead to drastically different understandings of the same thing. For example, inheritance taxes can be called 'death taxes' or 'estate taxes.' These two political phrases frame the same tax law in drastically different ways. Semantics really matters."
This isn’t just about how you communicate and gain mutual understanding with others. It is also about how you communicate with yourself about a concept, how you embody your own understanding of how you show up for others and how others show up for you. Now that that’s out of the way…
What Is Empathy?
“Empathy is the ability to emotionally understand what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their place. Essentially, it is putting yourself in someone else's position and feeling what they are feeling.”
This differs from sympathy, which is typically defined as feelings of pity or sorrow for someone’s misfortune. Sympathy involves understanding from your own perspective. Empathy involves putting yourself in the other person's shoes and understanding WHY they may have these particular feelings.
Though empathy is often associated with misfortune, it is not limited to negative feelings. We can be happy by feeling the happiness of others. Connection increases our ability to empathize, but empathy also increases our feelings of connection with others. It’s a cycle. When people around us have positive feelings, we get a boost of our own emotions. There are also different kinds of empathy.
Notice that none of these state agreement or conformity. You don’t have to have or share the feeling to experience and express empathy. You do need to have an awareness of what a feeling is, what it may feel like, and what impact it may have for an individual.
What Is Agreement?
IS a hotdog a sandwich? Do you need to experience or express a lot of empathy to reach an agreement on this? Can you disagree and have empathy for the opposing perspective?
Mirriam Webster defines agreement as “harmony or accordance in opinion or feeling.” The emphasis here is on “harmony and accordance,” meaning conformity. You do not need to conform to anything to feel empathy, but you must conform to experience or reach an agreement.
To differentiate in the simplest terms:
Sympathy = understanding your own perspective or experience as it relates to someone else’s
Empathy = understanding someone else’s perspective or experience
Agreement = sharing a perspective or experience
Empathy Helps Reach Agreements
“Without empathy in the negotiation process, it can be easy to come to an impasse. Those on either side of the table can just dig in their heels and be less willing to budge. However, when empathy is utilized, the opposing side feels understood and that their feelings are heard. They may be more willing to understand your side as well, and it may be easier to reach an agreement.” - Shapiro Negotiations.
Even though (or perhaps because) empathy can help facilitate agreements, it is hard to offer empathy if you feel an expectation of agreement– especially if a disagreement would challenge your own feelings, values, or safety.
Empathy Gone Wrong
Coming to agreement in relationships, at work, or between any two (or more) different beings often requires some level of compromise. Martha Kauppi, an author and relational therapy counselor who specializes in alternative family structures, explains that "a compromise is where I give up a whole bunch of stuff, and you give up a whole bunch of stuff in the hopes that we can meet in the middle of somewhere so that neither one of us is satisfied and we're both resentful.”
If you don't make good agreements, you will not have security and safety in your relationship. If you don't have safety and security in your relationship, something will go wrong. A good agreement is based on something you can really bring yourself to, honestly. A good agreement cannot come solely from the desire to please others or avoid conflict. Centering the needs of others in your agreements may be exploited, whether intentionally or not, or even abused.
Empathy can also erode our ethical perspectives. Ways to maintain perspective and avoid letting your empathy go too far include:
Make empathy less self-sacrifice, treating disagreements as less adversarial when possible.
Allow yourself to take breaks to focus on your self-interests.
Tap into your community when there’s a need for support burning you out; don’t try to do all the emotional or physical labor alone, even if you are capable.